Baseball’s Winter Meetings, Smoking Canadian Crack, and Generalissimo Francisco Franco is Still Dead!

I just finished a nap. I'm an old man, Can you help me find my room?
I just finished a nap. I’m an old man, Can you help me find my room?

“I was upstairs stacking our money. Don’t get excited — they were all fives.”  How high was the pile?
“Not as high as some people expect,” the GM added.

That “GM” of course is none other than Real Sandy Alderson who greeted the press down in Orlando for the opening of the Winter GM meetings this evening with that quip. Of course, all of the other GMs-the ones who don’t require oxygen, wheelchairs, extra blankets or dementia medication arrived this morning. Sandy got in around 7pm. This after spending the weekend at home in Palm Springs attending the wedding of his great-granddaughter. Sandy flew in to Orlando, ordered the Chop Steak at Steak & Shake and headed downstairs to meet the media after grabbing a nap and a Whiskey Sour.  You’ll recall Sandy began last year’s proceeding with his now infamous remark “what Outfield?  After which he proceeded to do absolutely nothing until late February when he signed his only major league free agent. Unfortunately that “major league” free agent was Shaun Marcum. So…yeah.

Sandy believes in “softening” up the room apparently with his witty comments, fully aware that sycophants like Adam Rubin, Mike Puma, Andy Martino and David Lennon will do his bidding for him as he indirectly informs the Mets fan base that no, there is no money again, and no-don’t get your hopes up since free agents will not be heading to Flushing anytime soon.  But the flippant, arrogant stance favored by Sandy is audacious if not downright fraudulent. When Sandy took over 4 years ago, this was the Offseason to which he pointed as the Winter the Mets would again be big market players with a big market wallet to match.  If this was the offseason we’ve all patiently waited for, I would have expected that Sandy would have sought to make a big splash right at the outset of the free agency period. Just announce the Mets are back, and sign Granderson or Choo or someone that might wake the echoes of a once proud fan base and drive ticket sales.  But then Sandy issued this assessment…

“It’s not really the way you build a quality, sustainable, winning team, I don’t think.”

But then again–he wouldn’t know, would he?  Just something he’s heard somewhere. Not sure where exactly, since the past 10 World Series winners were loaded with players who owned 9 figure deals.

The Laser Show! Big Bucks for Big Lasers.
The Laser Show! Big Bucks for Big Lasers.

On how well positioned he was to be a major player this Winter…

“Our system is better. We have some accomplished players at the major league level. And we have a little cash. I think in those terms we’re better armed this year than we have been to do some things. Whether those eventuate, we’ll have to wait and see. But we certainly have greater capacity this year than we’ve had in the past.”

I want to smash him in the face for using the word “eventuate.” No One-I mean no one, uses this word for anything other than a douchy attempt to show someone how smart you are.  He pilfered this piece of double talk from that other noted GM, the one who runs the city of Toronto, Rob Ford.  Ford didn’t smoke crack, as long as their was no visual evidence of him doing so, but maybe he did.  There is a time to be patient and to be aggressive and hell, then when tape surfaced, well, sure-who among us doesn’t enjoy crack when out with the fellas in a Van down by the river? That’s being aggressive, and yet prudent at the same time.

Heeeyyy...crack here...who needs crack?
Heeeyyy…crack here…who needs crack?

On whether young prospects could be packaged for major league talent…

“But I think we’ve always understood there’s a time for patience, there’s a time to be more aggressive. I would expect we will try to demonstrate both qualities. We’ll try to be aggressive where we think it’s important or necessary, and at the same time try to be patient. It’s a fine balance.”

This is the same bullspit spiel he’s dished out since the Winter in 2010.  Just more double-speak from a guy who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and is fooling everyone with his intellect and small market acumen. (oxymoron alert right there)

Will Lucas Duda or Ike Davis be manning 1st Base for the Mets in 2014?

“We’ve got two guys who have demonstrated flashes of their potential. At some point, as they get more experience, you’ve got to make a choice. So we’re in the process of doing that. To some extent that will be an internal decision. To some extent that may be a function of the marketplace. We’ll just have to wait and see. It’s early in the process.”

I'm Not an Animal!Sandy's Autobiography

Huh? Is he kidding? Will he EVER give a direct straight answer? Will he ever become Commissioner? Will Jeffy go sans Hair Club for men this season? Will Sandy order something other than the Chop Steak? And has he ever heard of Tad’s Steaks in Manhattan-THE place for the $3 Porterhouse?


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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake