Angry Ward Wednesday: 2014 Sports Holiday Specials

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BRONX, NY – It’s that time of year again. The holidays are in full swing. McCartney and Mariah Carey songs flood the airwaves, disoriented tourists clog the streets and subways, and sidewalk Santas and the homeless compete in a Steel Cage Death Match for our Christmas shopping change. Its also time for all of your favorite holiday movies and specials. This year there are some new offerings with an athletic bent. Take a look!

Miracle on 33rd Street. The New York Knicks finally win a basketball game and nobody believes it.

I’m Dreaming of an All Blacks Chirstmas. Everyone’s favorite rugby team hosts their first holiday variety show featuring festive yet bizarre New Zealand Christmas customs and classic holiday songs such as “Oh Scrum All Ye Faithful” and “I Saw Mommy Kissing Johnathan Wicklow Barberie.”

Trading Players Places. Oakland Athletics General Manager Billy Beane bets New York Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson one dollar that he can change the fortunes of some of his best players by trading them to other teams.

Kevin Love Actually. LeBron James finally finds happiness in Cleveland when he starts clicking with his power forward in the days leading up to Christmas.

Rouged. A curmudgeonly Canadian Football League coach’s conservative play calling results in his team scoring nothing but one point plays, until he is visited by the ghosts of Warren Moon, Doug Flutie, and Gizmo Williams.

Charlie Brown
Click to read about Charlie Brown’s pain.

A Charlie Brown Christmas. Former Washington Redskins receiver Charlie Brown learns the true meaning of Christmas from a fun bunch of guys including Art Monk, Virgil Seay, and Howard Cosell’s favorite little monkey, Alvin Garrett.

Dive Hard. A professional soccer player single-handedly thwarts a band of international terrorists trying to take over FIFA headquarters by continually making believe that he is mortally injured.

The Bi-Polar Express. Dallas Cowboys fans endure another holiday roller coaster ride of dizzying highs and suicidal lows at the hands of one Tony Romo.

The Year Without a Steroid Clause. In an effort to rejuvenate stagnant offenses, incoming Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred announces that he’ll suspend PED testing for the upcoming season. Starring Alex Rodriguez as the league MVP.

Christmas Staycation. Members of the New York Giants and New York Jets drive their families out of their collective minds when they are home for the holidays and beyond.

Rome Alone. Annoying sports radio bloviator Jim Rome fends off Christmas depression and low ratings when he realizes he can longer get anyone to go on his show.

Happy viewing, everyone! Come back for more Matts-See TV with Fake Sandy Alderson/Big Al Sternberg tomorrow!

 

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About Angry Ward 681 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.