BRONX, NY – This past Sunday, legendary liar and baseball player Alex Rodriguez announced that he would be taking his talents to Nowheresville. Yep, with one year and $27 million remaining on his contract, the Yankees not-so-subtly told him to pack up his things and go to hell. Yet, they did it “the Yankee Way,” leaving the door open for their multi-million-dollar mistake to come back and serve as a “Special Advisor” to the team. So, what exactly does a Special Advisor do? What are the job responsibilities? It could be anything really. Here are some uneducated guesses as to what A-Rod is in for in 2017.
Team Snitch. Let’s face it, when it comes to morals and ethics Alex Rodriguez has the flexibility of a Cirque du Soleil performer. He’d turn in his own mother if he thought it could get him out of a jam or earn him a few more million. That’s why he’d be the perfect guy to pal around with guys on the team, gain their confidence, and then report back to Randy Levine and Hal Steinbrenner as to which players are bad-mouthing them and who’s been pissing on George Steinbrenner’s monument.
Upper Deck Cotton Candy Vendor. A thankless job, if ever there were one. A-Rod can toil in the summer heat trying to sell something that virtually no one wants. It’ll be nothing but screaming little brats and drunken adults who can only afford the cheap seats and rightly hate his guts.
Suzyn Waldman F*** Buddy. Broadcasters need love too. Not sure if A-Rod excites Ms. Waldman the way Roger Clemens once did, but she deserves some sort of Boy Toy for all of those years toiling in the booth with that fartknocker John Sterling. And speaking of Sterling…
John Sterling Spotter. Look, John Sterling can’t be bothered following every minute of every game, he’s too busy coming up with stupid nicknames and horrible home run calls. He’s needed a real set of eyes for years. Rodriguez can provide those eyes, so that Sterling doesn’t embarrass himself time and again with incorrect “It is high! It is deep!” home run calls that turn out to be pop ups behind first base. To make sure he does the job as best as he can, A-Rod can have some expendable Miami-based cousin score him performance-enhancing eye drops.
Legends Club Bathroom Attendant. My brother floated this idea, and I love it. The thought of a guy who was once to lazy to feed himself his own popcorn having to wait on corporate fat cats in the john is just too perfect. “Can I wipe those pee pee drops off your shoe Mr. Trump? How about some Paco Rabanne, Papa John Schnatter?” Yep, Rodriguez as Piss Boy seems like a great fit.
Team Mascot. Besides my compadre JG Clancy, not a lot of people remember that the New York Yankees once had an ill-advised mascot named Dandy who kinda looked like Catfish Hunter ate Thurman Munson and then threw up all over himself. Anyway, the Bombers shouldn’t let that failure get in the way of trying once more. Dressing Alex Rodriguez in a cartoony strongman get-up and calling him “A-Roid” would be great. In between innings he can go on the field, inject himself with a comically big hypodermic, grab a Fat Albert-size baseball bat and launch souvenir baseballs into the stands. Then, when the grounds crew does their YMCA routine, he can go into a rage and chase them all over the field. It’s just stupid enough to work.
Okay, I’m done. Come on back tomorrow for a man who sells monuments in his yard, Buddy Diaz.