Gymnasts in Tights, Michael Phelps the Freak, Mark Sanchez Like Herpes


WHITE PLAINS, NY – B-Dubs (aka Ben Whitney)  here to introduce a new feature called: Cheers Bro, Aw Hell No, & Man, I Don’t Know… my take on this week in sports, focusing on Gymnasts in Tights, Michael Phelps the Freak and Mark Sanchez resurfacing like Herpes… There’s a lot going on, so let’s get to it.

Wrong Phelps… But look at the Pre-PEDs guns!


Phelps: The Olympics had its first really memorable moments on Tuesday evening. Michael Phelps took out South African rival Chad Le Clos in the 200 meter butterfly, the man who beat him in this event in London four years ago. Le Clos tried to get in Phelps’s head by staring him down and by doing some sort of aggressive warmup routine right in front of Phelps. Phelps stayed composed and took out the South African, who didn’t even medal, and all other pretenders. As a friend commented, it was the ultimate “go home and get your shine box” moment for Phelps. You come at the king, you best not miss.

Phelps was barely dry from that race when he got back in the pool to take home another gold in the 4 x 200 free relay. He then went on to pick up his 22nd gold medal and 26th medal in the 200 medal individual medley on Thursday. This victory, his 13th individual gold, means he surpassed the greatest athlete of ancient Greece, the great Leonidas of Rome. Whothe? Leonidas won his last medals in 152 BC, in the 200 and 400 meter runs, as well as a shield carrying race. It’s a shame they got rid of that one.

No, not this guy.
No, not this guy.

Phelps may have picked up another gold by the time you read this, I can’t even keep track. He’s clearly the GOOAT, greatest Olympian of all time. Damn that’s a lot of hardware.

The Final Five: The US women’s gymnastics squad has also been stellar, winning the team gold by a massive margin. It was the largest margin of victory at a major gymnastics meet under the current scoring system. In other words, a good ole ass whooping. The US team was nearly flawless and the outcome was never really in doubt. American Simone Biles won the all-around individual gold in impressive fashion as well. She was briefly trailing after 2 events, but dominated the last two to win comfortably.


She hasn’t lost a meet since 2013. Damn. I haven’t missed a Friday happy hour since 2013, which is also impressive. Returning Olympian Aly Raismann picked up the silver with an emotional floor routine. I love the Olympics. The team dubbed itself The Final Five to honor legendary coach Marta Karolyi’s last Olympics. She had an incredible run and will be missed.

It's been a while
It’s been a while

Rugby: It’s great to see rugby back in the Olympics. I’ve been waiting since WW1. Did you know rugby replaced baseball? Me neither. Click this.

Mariano Rivera – Gets a plaque in Monument Park this Sunday. The best reliever of all time is straight class.

It's a butt fumble!
It’s a butt fumble!


Denver Broncos: Did the Broncos really start Mark Sanchize in their first preseason game? Like herpes, he just won’t go away. Does the Butt-fumbler really have the inside track on the starting gig for the defending champs? Sure, he looked alright on Thursday night, but we’ve seen his body of work. I reckon my man Elway might be getting a bit cocky. I know he has a great defense and all, but Sanchez possesses a special knack for losing games by himself. Is Elway trying to create a situation where he can activate himself? I can think of no other plausible explanation.

Getting cocky?
Getting cocky?

A-Rod: Now that this guy has played his last game, can we agree to not talk about him for a while? I’m ready for him to go, but man was this handled poorly. The Yankees are pushing him out, but still have to pay him. It’s a lose lose. Let’s move on.

The Mets: The Mets continue their struggles in the 2nd half, searching for that elusive two game winning streak. This team is going nowhere fast, my friends. If I were a Mets fan, I’d be calling for Terry’s head. Sure they’ve had more than their share of injuries, but he doesn’t seem to get the most out of his guys and makes a load of excuses. Great to have Jon Niese back though. One inning and six earned on Thursday. In his defense, Tuffy Gosewich is tough to contain. The Yanks now have a better record than the Mets. I’m not sure if many people saw that coming a few months ago. I’ll leave this here: Daniel Murphy – BA .346, HRs 21, RBI 82.

The US Women’s Soccer Team – The heavy favorites were bounced in quarterfinals on Friday by Sweden. This was the earliest exit by the US team since women’s soccer became an Olympic sport in 1996. The Swedish coach, Pia Sundhage, coached the US team to gold in London and Beijing.  Sundhage’s defensive strategy frustrated the talented Americans, who missed opportunities and then lost in a shootout. No Miracle on Ice here, but a pretty big upset.

The Olympics did not go well for this guy.


Judo Chop!
Judo Chop!

Or this guy. The bronze medalist in judo who got beat up and robbed. Judo, not useful in real life.


The G-men released their first depth chart of the season this week. I’ll highlight two points of interest.

Eli Apple: DC Spags said that rookie Corner Eli Apple has a long way to go. The Giants also went out and signed C Leon Hall from Cincinnati. Now maybe they just want some depth at slot corner, but it looks like the Giants don’t think Apple is ready for prime time. Most of the experts said they got excellent value in all of their picks, except maybe with Eli. The Titans and Bears jumped in front of the Giants to take the guys the Giants targeted, leaving them to adjust on the fly. Maybe they should have jumped on the Ole Miss OT Laremy Tunsil, the projected #1 pick who plunged after his starring role in: 

One of the Matts?
Are we sure this is Tunsil and not one of the Matts?

The Gas Mask Wearing, Weed Smoking Lineman, which premiered to mixed reviews just before the draft. What’s the big deal I say? Smoking weed in a gas mask is also known as “morning” for a few of the writers on this blog. Maybe Eli will pan out in the long term, as DRC probably won’t be back next year, but I think the Giants might have been better off on Day 1 of this season with young bookends Tunsil and Flowers at Tackle.

Which brings me to the right side of the OL. The Giants kicked the tires on a few veterans, but still appear to be going into the season with John Jerry at RG and Marshall Newhouse at RT. Both were rated pretty low last year, but Jerry claims to have had a life changing offseason. For me, a life changing offseason would involve a tropical island, Adriana Lima and Allesandra Ambrosio,Life changingand some other things not fit to mention here. For him, that meant 8 weeks of training at LeCharles Bentley’s O-Line Performance in Arizona with his linemate, Center Weston Richburg. For the record, I fully support taking a common name and throwing a “Le” in front of it. LeBenjamin? The Giants could sure use some improvement on that side on the line, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Maybe next year he’ll take Newhouse with him.

Feel free to fire away below and come back tomorrow for my pal Cheesy Bruin, who lost a nut in the ’88 games. And please follow us on Twitter – @BenWhit8 & @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts. Thank you.

Share Button
About Ben Whitney 407 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.