Angry Ward Wednesday: All I Need to Know About Sports I Learned From Donald Trump

BRONX, NY – A few weeks back I poked a little fun at our current President by coming up with some completely fabricated sports-related tweets by him. Those words were clearly not his. For starters, there were no spelling errors. The other dead giveaway was, unlike his genuine twitter rants, #45 suffered absolutely no self-inflicted damage as a result. The truth is, among all of his brain farts and foibles, Donald Trump knows a LOT about sports. And, as he does each day with our country, he leads by example. Here then are some Indispensable Sports Lessons From DJT.

When Choosing Up Sides, Pick the Scrubs LAST. You learn this one on the playground. Don’t worry, they’ll get picked eventually. Just, whatever you do, don’t pick them first.

A Craptastic Team!

No Hand-Checking! There’s always some “hand fighting” in NFL games, but in the NBA it is strictly verboten. Here Donald and Melania show you how to keep that hand-checking in check.

Share the Championship Trophy with Your Teammates. No one knows better than Big Don that you don’t win titles all by yourself. Share the wealth.

Like many pro teams, the Saudis need more offensive weapons.

If You Throw Like a Spaz, Never Agree to Throw Out a First Pitch. Even people the KNOW how to play the game have made fools of themselves. Don’t fall for it.

Stay Off the Crack. You don’t need drugs, kids. You can be crazy without them.

Let Someone Else Coach Your Kids. Trying to mold your offspring in your image can often be disastrous, creating even worse versions of yourself… if you can imagine.

Try Not to Look Like Putz on the Medal Stand. If you’re not sure how to act, see Eruzione, Mike.

Avoid Obnoxious Fans at All Costs. You can spot them anywhere. Louts, troublemakers, drunken stumblebums… Philadelphians. Keep your distance.

DJT has so many lessons to teach us, and such little time (I hope). If this becomes a recurring column, we’re all in trouble.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a guy who knows that Israel is in the Middle East. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.