Cold, Broke and Lonely? Here are Highest Paid Athletes To Make You…

NORTH POLE/CHICAGO – Not even a deep-dish pizza (an abomination) chased by a Stroh’s can warm you up when it’s -48 degrees out. But look at the bright side, Chicago is not the 2nd City today, as it’s 1st City in the USA on the Coldest City Chart. But what of the rest of us that are Cold, Broke and/or Lonely (and pining for the again-MIA DJ Eberle)? Well let’s get some Angry Ward Anger (TM) in the mix! Here are the Five Highest Paid Athletes – To Make You Mad, Too!

NOTE: The following numbers are from Forbes, so they may actually be somewhat factual.

Floyd Mayweather
Total earnings: $285 million
Purse: $275 million
Endorsements: $10 million
With this kind of loot, Floyd Mayweather any cold snap simply by burning cash. Literally. And he’s been at the top spot three times before this. Who knew?! For the half hour of kicking Conor McGregor’s a$$, he made $275 million. His earnings put him up to $1 billion, glorified air that only Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods the know about.

*CORRECTION: The **WCF** on Stafford’s jersey should be **WTF**.*

Lionel “Richie” Messi
Total earnings: $111 million
Salary/bonuses: $84 million
Endorsements: $27 million
The Argentinian deserves every penny for being linked with “that other Lionel” all these years. Barcelona (Bar-theh-lona) extended him through 2020-2021… at $80 million and bonuses per. He is the highest paid injury-faker out there. Gatorade, Huawei, Pepsi, Ooredoo (how many bong hits led to that name?) and Hawkers pay him for scoring one goal every three games.Cristiano Ronaldo
Total earnings: $108 million
Salary/bonuses: $61 million
Endorsements: $47 million
Fake Madrid wanted him but Real Madrid outbid them. $50 million per for the next three years is a paltry sum for this underwear model. But his lifetime contract with Nike is worth more than a $1 billion, so there’s that. EA Sports and American Tourister also help him afford his eyebrow waxing. Oh, and he also has his own range of CR7 stuff… shoes, fragrances, jeans and pacifiers for when he whines.Conor McGregor
Purse: $85 million
Endorsements: $14 million
Shanty micks everywhere ((like moi)) are now punching and kicking each other in the face, seeing if they can be the next Fighting’ Irish. He got around $85 million for the aforementioned Mayweather fight. List Burger King (which he throws up immediately), Beats by Dre, Monster Energy and MeetTheMatts.com as his supporters.

Neymar

Total earnings: $90 million

Salary/bonuses: $71 million

Endorsements: $19 million

Paris Saint Germain laid out $600 million to get this Brazilian to score a few goals and fall to the turf like a sniper victim, anytime anyone within 15 yards sneezes. Imagine what they’d have paid him if he had TWO NAMES. $250 million got him released from his Barcelona contract and $350 million will pad his shins until June of 2022. Nike, Red Bull, Gilette, McDonald’s and Beats by DR Dre also pay him to writhe in agony.

Neymar, Paris St Germain, Meet_The_Matts, Brazil_Soccer, Futbol

BONUS… Coming in 6th, hovering on the Poverty Line (Junoir Blaber would put that in caps), is the NBA representative.

LeBron James

Total earnings: $85,5 million

Salary/bonuses: $33,5 million

Endorsements: $52 million

How the f**k is America going to be Great Again if King James is only a Sixth Man?! Sure, LeBron has endorsements with Nike, Coca-Cola (Sprite), Beats by Dr Dre, Kia Motors, etc., and is an investor in Blaze Pizza, owning 17 of the franchises, but come on, Papa John snickers at that! His kicks with Nike are the most popular among active NBA players and his he owns a production companies and a 2% stake soccer giant Liverpool, but really, he need to start kicking the ball to make any real coin.

But wait! Coming in at #10 on this list…

Matthew Stafford

Total earnings: $59,5 million

Salary/bonuses: $57,5 million

Endorsements: $2 million

$taffy’s five-year deal was worth $135 million with a guaranteed amount of $60.5 million. He also got a $50 million signing bonus. Nike, PepsiCo, & Ford are among his other bling-producing relationships. Not But that’s pretty much par for the course for… ~~Super Bowl winning QBs~~. Oy. Vey.

That’s it for today, please use the fingers you haven’t lost from frostbite to contribute below and come back tomorrow when The Iceman Cometh – in the frozen form of Junoir Blaber – who is questioning his sanity over the move to Buffalo. It is -73 degrees in FOUR FEET of snow from the Lake Effect.