NEW YORK, NY – Okay, so you need some cocktail party fodder for your Spring Is Here parties? Here are the Sports Headlines You Need To Know.
WHAT THE F___!: Some guy I’ve never heard of just signed a 4-year, $64,000,000.00 contract extension with Angry Ward’s Minnesota Vikings. Apparently, Adam Thielen is two-time Pro Bowl wide receiver. If I don’t know him, though, he ain’t worth that much coin. And texting while in uniform?! C’mon man. Another reason the Purple People Eaters will never taste Vince Lombardi. [Ahem]
Yoenis Cespedes: Yes, the rumors are true. The outfield version of David Wright sold his South Florida home for a loss. Thank you, Marlins. Nobody wants to live in the Blue Hair State anymore because of Florida Marlins of Miami. A certain baseball gob (Derek Jeter) is finding out that even he may flop with the Fish… Oh, and Cespy will be back for a cameo in a few months following heel surgery, but the real rumor is that he has the same hip condition that A-Rod had. Shocking the Mets don’t talk about that. But really, at 9-4 and decent play coming from the outfield, where does a rusty, broken PED user (just kidding, lawyers) fit into this lineup? Yoennis “The Disrupter” should be allowed to flip houses full-time… with Todd Frazier.
The Highwaymen: After watching this entertaining Netflix movie starring Kevin Costner and Woody “Cheers” Harrelson chasing after Bonnie & Clyde, it dawned on yours truly that the MLB team in Arlington is named after some pretty cool dudes; the Texas Rangers. Bad-ass law enforcement tough guys. It’s not like the Tampa Rangers, who are merely transplanted Madison Square Garden types. They (Rangers South) are gagging vs Torts & Columbus, by the way.
And last but not least and surely the one you’ll impress folks the most with…
Ionescu Tops Gustafson: No, it’s not tennis. Nor is it a Swedish Boxing match. Take another guess, smarty pants. Think college hoops. Give up? Well here it is: Oregon’s Sabrina Ionescu edged out Iowa’s Megan Gustafson for the John R. Wooden Award for National Women’s Player of the Year. She’s also repeated as the Nancy Lieberman award winner as Point Guard of the Year and won the WBCA’s Wade Trophy as the nation’s most outstanding player. Cooler still, she’s going back to the Ducks for her senior year.
There you go. You’re all set to socialize now. Well maybe one or two of you at least.
