NEW YORK, NY – I’m not here today to make jokes about Coronavirus or COVID-19 or whatever the hip kids are calling it these days. This sh!t is to be taken seriously, as evidenced by the exponential rise of cases and the steps being taken to contain the spread. The good news is, if you are weird enough to be a follower of this column, and this site in general, you’ve probably been in self-isolation for years. (OK, one joke.) The rest of the news on this ranges from bad to horrible. But, we’re here to talk sports, and we will! But first, one little piece of advice kids: Don’t listen to anything Donald Trump says. He’s a dangerous moron. OK, let’s get to it!
New Rams Logo? A couple of days ago, what appears to be a new team logo for the Los Angeles Rams was leaked on social media, and fans responded by wanting to take a leak (or worse) on it. I can’t blame them. It’s hot garbage. It looks shoddier than the USFL logo for the LA Express and/or the logo for LA Beer (remember that?). Anyway, I know changing looks up in sports is nothing but a blatant money grab, but they need to knock this sh!t off already. Rams helmets, uniforms, etc., should be their classic blue and yellow look from the 1970s. Whether it’s for real or not, this new thing is a joke. Joe Pendleton must be spinning in his grave.
Operation Shut Down. I like writing “Operation Shut Down” whenever I can, because it brings back fond memories of former New York Mets basket case Derek Bell, who claimed he was going into Operation Shut Down when he was a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates. But I digress… wildly. Anyway, because of the fluidity of this Coronavirus outbreak we are starting to see lots of large gatherings get shut down. Italian Serie A soccer went from games being played in empty stadiums to no games at all. Yesterday the Ivy League announced they would not be playing their conference basketball tourney. And now there are preliminary discussions about what major pro sports are going to do. Could baseball Opening Day be pushed back or played in vacant stadiums? The latter is a lock either way for the Marlins. How about basketball and hockey playoffs? It’s still a bit early, but the CDC is recommending that if you must see a live sporting event, you make it Major League Rugby. There’s plenty of room at these games to get very comfortable without getting within hollering distance of any of your fellow spectator(s). This could be the break MLR needs.
A Modest Proposal for Other Sports.
XFL. Switch to laser tag. No one cares either way. This way no one has to get hurt or sick.
NHL. Bubble hockey playoffs! Take a page from the arcade game classic and have all playoff games played under a protective bubble.
Olympics. Cancel them. Then you can make up 2020 Summer Olympics “Cancelled” shirts like they did for the Led Zeppelin tour that never happened after John Bonham died. Cool collectibles.
As for March Madness, NBA, MLB, The Masters, and other big sports and events? Play them all in Antartica! What can I say? I’m a problem solver.
That’s all for today. How do you solve a problem like Buddy Diaz? Come back tomorrow to find out.