WASHINGTON, DC – With Replacement Matt forgetting his replacement duties today, the term “replacement” is on my mind. But despite that and despite concerns that an imposter took over POTUS Trump’s body during a kinder & gentler press conference that should have us prepared for a proverbial pie in the face, we finally have live American professional sports to discuss. Lets’s get to it, via our heady headliners: Replacement Fans & Replacement Players? Doesn’t Matter. MLB, LeBron, Giancarlo, Jake.
REPLACEMENT FANS
Major League Baseball had pitchers throwing in anger (Carrot Top was one for the Walter O’Malley’s Dodgers) and aside from the sad news that the *Yankees won (more on that below), all was great. Fans everywhere were giddy and applauding from their homes. But wait! What’s that, you say? FOX games will have Replacement Fans?! Shut your front door! That’s right, get ready for your virtual cousins filling the stands – or not, depending on the game. As you can see from the clip, they can thin fans out, have them organically react and change their outfits to match the teams. This all begs two questions: 1) Will the virtual Replacements have to pay $13 for a beer? 2) What the hell do they need us for, now that we’ve been replaced?
REPLACEMENT PLAYERS
Catching glimpses of the Nats v Stankees game while enjoying a wonderful vegan meal at Brixx & Barley in Long Beach, I couldn’t help but think of Rocky Balboa vs Drago. The Nats will never win again. They are the Phillies of ten years ago. They are the Frisco Giants East. They have no chance to win a MLB sprint or marathon with that depleted lineup. Their Replacement Players for the likes of Rendon, Zimmerman and Soto are just not good. But on the Drago side of the geopolitical divide, the Stinkees look as though they will pop if asked to move in any way that isn’t choreographed. Giancarlo, Judge and that dirty Gary Sanchez will play no more than 35 games together because of injuries. Call your NJ bookie and bet the rent/mortgage on it. And just wait until Cole has to miss a start or two – just because all pitchers do these days. Suddenly, Jake deGrom (who has really great hair), Steven Matz (who looks like Joe DiMaggio and could be the key pitcher in MLB’s shortened season) and Take A Wacha On The Wild Side doesn’t look so bad with a Met lineup that can afford to lose Cespedes and Cano.
LEBRON IS THE CAT’S MEOW
Granted, it was only a scrimmage but King James looked every bit like he will also be know as the King Bubble (tm). Further, the respect of his kingdom is still very much in tact as a number of players league-wide didn’t hesitate in naming him when asked who the NBA MVP is. And I gotta say, I like this guy. He works hard, entertains and does a lot of good things off the court. Hail The King.
Speaking aristocracy, be should come back for tomorrow for Displacement Replacement Matt, whose new alias is Joe King.
*NOTE: Today’s columnist hates the Yankees.
