NEW YORK, NY – As the discomfort from over-eating starts to subside on this Full Belly Friday, we can all still likely feel bloated enough to commiserate with those in the above headline. With that, let’s get to players we know didn’t get cheated at the plate yesterday: Fat Sports Stars We Can All Identify With Post-Thanksgiving.
BARTOLO COLON
No, this is not the name of some sexy Latino fragrance for men. No siree. This is, of course, our Favorite Fat Sports Star, El Rotundo de la Mound. Colon jiggled his way into MLB fans’ hearts with his disdain for exercise and love of calorically rich foods. In other words, he’s just like the rest of us. And therein lies the love affair. From his shaking his own belly in the dugout for his fit, young teammates, to his helmet-losing swings and his career-defining improbable home run as a Mets pitcher, Big Bart is larger than life… or at least all other successful Major League Pitchers.
JOHN KRUK
Unlike Senor Colon, John Martin Kruk had to field a busy position and be taken seriously in the batter’s box. And he did both extremely well, despite an always-expanding strike zone… or tummy. More significantly, however, was that he was able to do so playing with guys that were [allegedly] sticking needles in their keesters in order to develop muscles on their muscles. The Pete Incaviglia-led coalition of Darren “Dutch” Daulton, Dave Hollins and Lenny Dykstra were as buff as good be, yet Kruk just kept cranking out the hits the old fashioned way… the mustard and ketchup stains.
WILLIAM PERRY
You don’t get nicknamed “The Fridge” by featuring with Rob “Dorian Gray” Lowe in Atkins Diet commercials. But good golly could that guy move! At his NFL heaviest Perry (rest his soul), which our #FakeMattsNews intern swears was 631 lbs, he could still dunk a basketball. Look it up, Ben.
There you have it. Please leave your leftovers below and come back tomorrow for someone other than me, hopefully.
