BRONX, NY – Yesterday, our own Ben Whitney treated us to his breakdown of the upcoming NFL season, and how he thought it might shake out. Those types of columns seem easy, until you start writing them, and then you realize that covering every division in an entire league is no freakin’ picnic. Believe me, I know. Anyway, well done, Ben. I’m not going to undertake anything similar today but, with the baseball season winding down and football season winding up, I’ve got a few predictions of my own. Here goes nothing.
Mr. Met Becomes Mets New GM. He’s got a head for baseball. Hell, is head IS a baseball! The Mets have got to stop their streak of hiring people who end up embarrassing them. Mr. Met has been around the game a long time; he know things. But you know he’s not going go off half-cocked and start airing team dirty laundry to the press, because he doesn’t talk… at all. In that same vein, he’ll be a great negotiator. Mrs. Met and those lazy kids of theirs can pick up the slack entertaining the fans while Mr. Met cleans f**king house. I kinda love this idea.
Houston Texans Give Birth to 0-17 Season. After losing the first six games on their schedule, the state of Texas forces Houston to carry their horrific season to term. Tears rolling down his face, Governor Greg Abbott declares their season-ending 38-3 loss to the Titans: “The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
MLB Institutes Relegation. Upon the wild conclusion of the 2021 season, with the Seattle Mariners stunning defeat of the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series, Major League Baseball announces it will be introducing relegation, starting with Baltimore and Arizona. In a brief statement, Commissioner Rob Manfred says, “These teams are so f**king awful, I can’t even….” Manfred also announces that Cleveland will also be taking a one-year hiatus “so they can get their heads out of their asses and come up with a better new nickname than the Guardians.”
Andy Reid Tests Positive for Chick-fil-A. I just wanted to write that headline. I’m happy with this one right where it is. Let’s move on.
Aaron Boone Addresses Climate Change Summit. After the Yankees postseason ends early, amidst an unprecedented number of Bombers swings and misses, Aaron Boone agrees to speak before the UN Climate Change Conference in Glasgow, Scotland. On the pop-up tornados that followed the Yankee strikeout barrage, Boone says: “Those twisters were just some unrelated bad breaks, not unlike what Joey Gallo was going through with those back-to-back-to-back Golden Sombreros. I know some of you find that tsunami that developed in the Harlem River troubling, but I assure you it had nothing to do with Rizzo and Stanton. This whole climate change thing is just another gut punch we’ve gotta muscle through and come back better in 2022.”
All NFL Coaches Who Have No Idea What They’re Doing Fired. In a shocking development, NFL teams move, en masse, to fire all head coaches operating without a clue. By terminating every coach who ever said things like, “I know one thing, we’re gonna punch you in the mouth for 60 minutes” and “We’re gonna bite a kneecap off” and “Andy Dalton is our starting quarterback,” the NFL is sending a clear message that it will no longer tolerate Mike McCarthys.
I can’t tolerate writing another word. Putting this one to bed. Come back Thursday for the Buddy Diaz Sports Machine.