NEW YORK, NY – A few weeks ago I brought up the current writers’ and screen actors’ strikes and really missed out on an opportunity to underscore how me and my colleagues here are the poster children for the lowest level of underpaid, under-appreciated content generators in the galaxy. Honestly, it would be nice to see a little bit of something for the well over a decade’s worth of columns (seriously, how long have I been at this?) and countless words. If I was even getting a penny a word (so cheap no one would ever offer or accept), I’d have a tidy sum saved for my kid’s college fund. Since cash never seems like an option here, I’ll offer up some creative solutions for alternative forms of payment. Here now, my list of demands.
$100 Visa Gift Card. It’s not technically cash. I also have a theory that Management gets paid in whatever they can barter for their myriad unusual endeavors, and am positive this includes gift cards. I can use this to take the wife out to dinner.
Kirk Cousins Tells the Vikings He’s Going Out for a Gallon of Milk and a Bible… and Never Returns. I won’t ask questions. Just make him disappear.
Tickets to Mariners/Mets This Weekend. I’m sure this is actually do-able, and fairly cheap on the secondary market. So cheap, in fact, that I will also require a small food and drink stipend for at least one hot dog and one beer. It would also be nice if my brother and/or another friend could also tag along.
Aaron Boone Contract Extension. This would bring me much unbridled joy. Money just can’t buy this kind of happiness. Somebody must have an in with the Yankees front office. Get everyone’s second-favorite Greek detective, Aristotle Sakellaridis, on the case.
World Peace. It’s a big ask, I know, but sometimes you gotta swing for the fences.
Meet The Matts Holiday Party at The Capital Grille, Morton’s or Some Other NYC Steakhouse. It’s high time someone bought the staff here a decent meal and a whiskey. MTM could use a Christmas miracle. Ho-Ho-Ho!
Mariners World Series Tickets. It could happen.
A Beach House for Summer 2024. I could definitely see Short Matt brokering some super-shady arrangement. Forget I even mentioned this.
NY Jets Be the Same Old Jets. Honestly, it seems a much bigger leap to what some are predicting for Aaron Rodgers and the Jets this year than it is for them to just keep on sucking. Doesn’t that a-hole Woody Johnson (heh) still own the team? That right there should be enough to give them a better than 60% chance of tripping over their own shoelaces and face-planting yet again. You can do it, Jets!
Okay, enough of this daydreaming. I know the harsh realities of this gig. Write. Post. Tease Buddy Diaz column for tomorrow. Repeat.