NEW ORLEANS, LA – Normally I find the extra week before the Super Bowl to be annoying and unnecessary, but I wouldn’t mind an extra six months before this nightmare. The Chiefs winning another ring, with ad-nauseam shots of Kelce and Swift celebrating, is somehow the waaaaay better option. Watching Saquon celebrate in green is inconceivable. A shocking NBA trade provided a temporary distraction. Let’s get this over with.
Doncic Dumped and Dumfounded
The weirdest part about the Luka trade is the speed in which it occurred and the apparent unwillingness of the Mavericks to shop him around. When you have one of the best players in the NBA about to enter his prime, you might not want to take the first offer that comes along.
I understand that they wanted to keep it on the DL, but even Utah executives, a team that was a party in the trade, didn’t know Doncic was involved.
Here are some real-life equivalents of the negotiations:
Do you want this perfectly seared filet mignon?
No, I’m good with this Steak-Umm.
Hey, look over there, a bald eagle is diving into the river for a fish.
Nah, I’m happy looking at this dead gray moth.
Do you want to fly to Aruba for vacation.
No that’s okay, I’m headed to Trenton, New Jersey.
Saquon the Superhero
Speaking of things that were awesome, but you gave away, we present the star-crossed tragedy of the Giants and Saquon Barkley. The Athletic ran an origin story about Saquon as if he were a superhero. It was filled with tales of ex-coaches talking about how Saquon never thought he was good enough, so he kept working harder and lifting even more weights. And getting better and better.
Reading it felt like reading about your dream woman, whom you dumped, marrying a billionaire with a 14-inch dong, who cured cancer. And while reading it, you were getting smashed repeatedly with a nail covered two by four. In the balls. While getting your Achilles tendons sliced.
You gave him away, but he wasn’t the problem. You were the problem. If the Eagles win the Super Bowl, Joe Schoen should be fired on the spot. There’s no way he recovers from that. Nor will we.
That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward.
