ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: ALL YOU CAN EAT ANGER

May 6, 2009 Angry Ward Angry Ward 39

PEORIA, IL– Not a whole lot of time to think of big picture concepts for this week’s post. Instead, we’ll opt for a buffet–a smorgasward, if you will–of barely coherent thoughts that have been sitting out on the lukewarm steam tables in my mind for far too long. Here’s hoping no one gets sick.

• I got out to Billy Crystal’s Whore Emporium (The New Yankee Stadium for those not in the know) on Saturday and, aside from the fact that the old stadium had tons more character and mystique, the new digs are not half bad (though you can’t say the same for the team, heh). Without getting into a detailed breakdown of the new stadium, I’ll begrudgingly admit that it is better than Citi Field. Definitely has fewer obstructed views (though one is too many) and is easy to get around. Insanely huge replay board is also pretty impressive. $9 beers are not. So far, except for the food offerings and prices, the Yanks have the Mets beat again.

• New York State Attorney General Andrew Cuomo and Springfield bartender Moe Szyslak look remarkably alike.

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• Anyone who decides that a good place to keep your sunglasses when you take them off is backwards on the back of your head is an idiot. Same goes for any guy over the age of 16 who thinks it’s cool to wear their baseball hat backwards.

• For the one millionth time, can someone please pass legislation that outlaws audible car alarms? We have iphones, bluetooth, and even beepers that tell you when your table is ready at horrible chain restaurants, why can’t we have car alarms attached to key chains that only the vehicle’s owner can hear?

• Can President Obama force Oliver Perez to return his $36 million? These economic times call for some kind of accountability. I’m sure those guys who got the AIG bonuses at least had a couple of decent days at work.

• Washing your hands when leaving the bathroom is an imperative, people. Who raised you to think that it’s OK to mess around with your undercarriage, flush the toilet, run your hands through your greasy hair, and then go back to your seat and high five your buddy?

• I still don’t know how “Dancing with the Stars” became a hit TV show. You know what, forget what I just said. Don’t bother washing your hands when leaving the bathroom. This country is doomed.

• If the NHL had its act together, Crosby vs. Ovechkin in the Penguins/Caps series would every bit as compelling as the amazing Bulls/Celtics series in the NBA.

• I am sick and tired of hearing about high school kids either disappearing or getting violently ill on senior trips to exotic locations. Who the hell goes to Aruba or Mexico for their senior trip? This is insane! I think my high school senior trip was to an old abandoned upstate NY penitentiary made over to look like a dude ranch. It was supposed to be fun, but make no mistake, we were in lockdown.

• The patriotic fans that vehemently defend the continued playing of “God Bless America” during the seventh inning stretch are the same people who start hooting and hollering well before the end of the “Star Spangled Banner.”

• People that own dogs need to start picking up their pooch’s crap already. The dog doo minefield that one must negotiate in New York and other cities is ridiculous. If it’s too much for you to do, then don’t get a dog. Pretty simple really.

• Pay-Per-View is killing boxing. There was no bigger fight fan than yours truly, but it seems like every so-called “big fight” these days costs $50 to watch on pay-per-view. What happened to the days when HBO or even one of the big three networks would get a really decent fight? I wanted to see Pacquiao vs. Hatton, but not at those prices. Sure, money is getting made, but it’s increasingly difficult to build a fan base for a fighter when no one can afford to see that guy fight.

• Robert Wuhl recently took some heat in tall Matt’s review of “Bull Durham” but in 1980 he turned in a stellar performance in one of the all-time check-your-brain-at-the-door movies, “The Hollywood Knights.” A hybrid of “American Graffiti” and “Animal House,” this film wasn’t better than either of those, but was nevertheless brilliant in its own way.

OK, that’s it for this week. Be sure to ask for your official Meet the Matts stomach pump. Hey, whaddaya expect at a free buffet?

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About Angry Ward 776 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.