YONKERS, NY – Lost in all of the hoopla surrounding Sunday night’s Golden Globe Awards in Hollywood, were the equally star-studded and spectacular Sports Golden Globes handed out in Yonkers on Monday night. Hosted by the hilarious City Lights stripper comic duo of Trina May and Jamie Poleher, this awards show made the ESPYs look like the People’s Choice Awards. As always, all in attendance were dressed to the nines. Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis gave new meaning to the term “red carpet” when he arrived wearing a killer white suit, also providing an uncomfortable exchange with MTM field reporter Lori Levine who asked him: “Whose DNA are you wearing?” Anyway, here’s how some of the bigger award categories shook out.
Worst Quarterback in a Supporting Role.
A) Tim Tebow
B) Joe Webb
C) Anyone on the Arizona Cardinals
D) Jason Campbell
Winner: Anyone on the Arizona Cardinals. This category really wasn’t as close as it looked. Tim Tebow’s season was an incomplete, Webb only got one chance to truly suck in his playoff game against the Pack, and Jason Campbell isn’t really a quarterback. Larry Fitzgerald accepted the award on behalf of Arizona’s quarterbacks. Sobbing uncontrollably he smashed the statue to pieces, screamed “I’m never going to the Hall of Fame,” and walked off stage.
Funniest Sports Moment.
A) Chad Johnson’s condom receipt divorce
B) NY Jets Hiring Tony Sparano as Offensive Coordinator
C) Rex Ryan’s Tattoo of his wife in a Mark Sanchez Jersey
D) Joba Chamberlain dislocating his ankle on a kids trampoline
E) Mark Sanchez running up his offensive lineman’s ass and fumbling
Winner: Mark Sanchez. The Jets truly dominated this category and many thought that this would lead to a split vote, perhaps enabling someone like Chamberlain walking away with the coveted hardware. But there was little doubt with voters as “The Sanchize’s” butt fumble won in a walk. In his acceptance speech Sanchez angrily told the Global Foreign Sports Press that they could shove their award up their asses, which drew gales of laughter from all in attendance.
Best Sports Endorser(s).
A) Peyton Manning: Papa John’s Pizza
B) Derek Jeter: Ford
C) Rod Tidwell: Waterbed Warehouse
D) Antonio Cromartie: Planned Parenthood
E) Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony: Honey Nut Cheerios
Winner(s): Garnett and Anthony. It was a late entry but it really caught the public’s imagination and made Honey Nut Cheerios relevant again for people over age 3. Seriously though, don’t these guys really need to make a Honey Nut Cheerios commercial together? Wouldn’t that be ten times funnier than anything Bird and Magic ever did? The ball is in your court General Mills.
Worst Sports Commissioner.
A) Gary Bettman
B) Roger Goodell
C) Gary Bettman
D) David Stern
E) Bud Selig
F) Gary Bettman
G) The guy who runs MLS
Winner: Gary Bettman. Any other year and this would have been a tightly contested category with each commish trying to out brain-fart the others, but Bettman went nuclear this year, delivering a 20-megaton silent-but-deadly lockout stinker that all but killed the entire NHL season.
Best Sports Performance by an Individual or Ensemble Cast.
A) Marquez knocks out Pacquiao
B) Jennifer Lawrence as grieving slut in Silver Linings Playbook
C) Meet The Matts Belmont Park Field Trip
D) Tony Romo throws three picks in another must-win game
E) The Los Angeles Kings win the Stanley Cup
Winner: Meet The Matts Belmont Park Field Trip. One of those categories where it was just an honor to be mentioned in the same breath as the other nominees. The MTM Ponies Trip had it all though: highway-side pickups, insane traffic, cold beer, sandwiches, winners, losers, Cookie, Cam, The Public Prof, one euthanized horse, and a guy who’ll remain nameless who fell asleep on the toilet and lost his cell phone. The fact that this was pulled off without stalwarts like West Coast Craig, Lori Levine, Grote2DMax and Sam’s-a-Fan, is a testament to how deep this team really is.
Congrats to all the winners. Come back tomorrow for some losers… and Cam Purcell.
