BALTIMORE, MD – Super Bowl XLVII is set. The dreaded San Francisco 49ers are back in the big game thanks to Mike Smith’s Falcons choking away a double digit half time lead for the second time in two weeks. This time Matty Ice-cold couldn’t drive them for a last minute come from behind victory. They will face the surging Ravens of Baltimore. There are many story lines to this game and I’d like to give you a handy guide as to what you may hear in the upcoming 12 days leading up to Super Sunday. These story lines are about to get nauseating so take precaution.
Oh, Brother: Every little aspect of life between brothers Jim and John Harbaugh are going to be brought to the forefront as the classic “sports human interest” storyline. The same old garbage stories are going to be played out. Who are the parents going to be rooting for? Will mom wear one team’s jersey while dad wears the other’s? Blah blah blah. What I’d really like to see is a story about how, deep down, John despises his younger brother Jim because he is an arrogant prick and always has been. Now that would be refreshing. Arrogant prick Jeremy Schaap is the obvious choice for reporter.
A Mission From God: Ray Lewis is playing his last game on Super Bowl Sunday. This (black and) blues brother has also been praising God for the better part of the past decade so it will be no surprise to see at least a dozen profiles focusing on Lewis and his faith. According to Lewis himself, he has had some recent conversations with God. He also believes that God has a hand in the results of the games. Praising God can only enhance his chances of winning. It is as simple as that. I’d like to see someone do an in-depth analysis why God wants someone like Lewis to succeed while letting someone like Tim Tebow sit on the Jets bench behind Mark Sanchez. Maybe God likes bad boys. Solomon Wilcots is the obvious choice for reporter.
Quarterback Style: Colin Kaepernick is looking to become the first of the new breed hybrid QB’s to win a Super Bowl. These new style QB’s are just as dangerous with their running ability as they are with their passing because they run a lot of read option plays. The group includes Robert Griffin III, Can Newton and Russell Wilson. Joe Flacco on the other hand is looking to win one for the classic pocket passers. If Kaepernick wins, he’ll have a few years to prove that he is better than the current bottom five worst Super Bowl winning starting QB’s. Those currently are (from best to worst) Mark Rypien with Lingerie Football QB/daughter Angela), Doug Williams, Brad Johnson, Jeff Hostetler and Trent Dilfer. Trent Dilfer is the obvious choice for reporter (he is also bottom five in that category).
Twitter Bowl: Each year, Twitter sports quotes get bigger and bigger and I’m sure some knucklehead or some knucklehead’s wife will take to twitter to say something unbelievably stupid leading up to this year’s Super Bowl. I can already see Michael Crabtree’s opening tweet: “Hey New Orleans, hide your kids, hide your wives, hide your husbands cuz I’m raping everything around here“. Marble-mouthed Shannon Sharpe is the obvious choice for reporter.
Stay tuned tomorrow for someone with a Meet The Matts sanctioned Twitter account – Angry Ward.
