NOTE: Parts of this post were written and edited in a Starbucks in deep Pennsylvania. I drove 8 miles out of my way to get there and paid $3.99 for the WiFi access. Matts – my expense report will include the tall Skinny Vanilla Latte.
THE NORTH POLE – This was penned while traveling to Pennsylvania and back with Mr. Cookie and the mini-Cookies to the Mothra-In-Law’s house, Wednesday through late-night Thursday; and no, I did not see the movie Monster In Law with Ms. Lopez… Suffice to say, I will be glad to be home despite being bushwhacked from the drive and the very early and forced rise by a bug-eyed kid to open the loot under the tree.
So, what do I gift-wrap in the form of a column for my friends in MTM-Land on Christmas or a late Hanukkah, early Kwanzaa, early Boxing Day or way-early Ramadan? If it’s about baseball, Dr. Diz might put me into MLB rehab. In keeping with the whole Naughty–n-Nice thing, I decided to take a look at St. Nick’s Naughty List – in sports, that is. Granted, we shouldn’t set our moral compasses by misbehaving sports celebs but DAMN, if we can’t learn a thing or two from their bad behavior we’re worse than they are. Let’s review:
BRADY’s BABY MOMMA BAIL: The All-American quarterback (and Stetson man) Tom Brady can hit the end zone pretty well on and off the field. Just ask Bridget Moynihan or new wife Gisele Bundchen. Brady knows he’s so Teflon, he left Ms. Moynihan when she was three-months preggers to go sack Ms. Bundchen. Despite the story’s exposure (or lack thereof) in the media, Brady still manages to be the golden boy. I wonder who’s next on his list.
LESSON: If shagging and dumping a chick when she’s knocked up, make sure you have a few Super Bowl rings and no one will care.
TENNIS TANTRUM 101: Everyone knows about Serena Williams‘ rant to an ump at the U.S. Open this year. I think to quote her directly would set off the MTM Censors. She was so p!ssed off she decided the umps throat might’ve been a better place for her ball. Jokes about ‘roid rage went abound, YouTube and every news channel showed the footage ad nausea.
Serena made numerous apologies in the media. She was all but CRUCIFIED. Me? I thought her rant was hilarious. (Any mention of shoving anything down or up someone’s orifice as a threat is always laughable.) And talk about unfair?!? Didn’t a certain MALE tennis player become well known for such rants? Everyone thought his stuff was, and still IS – funny.
LESSON: If you’re going to get ticked off and display it in sports, make sure you have some more balls so you get a pass. Or at least have some spare tennis balls to shove down someone’s f*&king throat.
A BACK BITING AND PANTY WEARING MARVEL: The mental image scarred in my brain as a result from this story remains today some twelve years later. Marv Albert was charged with Sodomy, Assault and Battery for biting a woman’s back 15 times during an altercation when he was… wearing WOMEN’s PANTIES. YEECK! (I hope no one lost their breakfast after reading that.) Marv was dropped like a hot potato – after pleading to Assault and Battery – from many of his sportscasting duties, only to be picked up again in 2000 and to this day, calls NBA games for TNT.
LESSON: If they can’t find someone as ugly and with as an annoying voice as you, you’ll get your sportscasting job back… so don’t get your panties in a bunch.
A VICK-TIM OF MCNABB: Terrell Owens was giggling his butt off when he heard that Michael Vick was going to have to play water-boy to his old best-bud (pfft!) and teammate, Eagle Donovan McNabb.
‘Hey Donovan, is that Alpo in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
Or, maybe he was giggling until he had to shuffle off to Buffalo. Alas, after serving eighteen months for running an illegal dog fighting ring (uh.. aren’t they ALL illegal), Vick landed a plum job as back-up QB with the Eagles. He’s getting paid $1.6 million this year, an option for $5.2 million next year, and $3 million in incentives to sit on the bench and stick pins in the McNabb voodoo doll. Oh, and by the way, Nike resigned him this fall too.
LESSON: Do what you want, serve your time and the rest will take care of itself. Be like Mike.. don’t worry.. you won’t be eatin’ Alpo.
TIGER SEES TO MUCH BUSH IN THE WOODS: Maybe next year we won’t hear so much about Tiger. Nah. Surely he’ll be back on the PGA Tour before June (this is my prediction) and the real dregs of his mistress den will come out to grab a few sheckles from third-tier media like the National Enquirer and the Weekly World News. Tiger gets in big trouble for what – (soon will be at least) a dirty dozen? And what does he do? He pays off one mistress before she talks (Rachel Uchitel), offers his wife incentive to stay (which she scoffs at because HALF! is definitely much more, and takes a trip to Vegas with his buddies from Stanford (the wives were NONE too pleased). One mistress, Mindy Lawton was a waitress at on Orlando area Perkins restaurant. And YEESH… was she homely.
Bat Boy…slightly more attractive than Mindy Lawton.
Even more disturbing, her comments that after “rough sex” with Tiger, she “… looked like a rag doll and on a scale of 1-10, the size of his manhood ranked a 12 – he was very well endowed.” YEECH!! Tiger will be divorced soon, back on the tour and his endorsement deals will come back. I promise.
LESSON: Once you get married, being faithful is the thing to do… unless you’re a celebrity. Then you can just pay people off and eventually buy a new wife anyway.
So what are normal people to do? Aside from drinking every time I said “Yeeck!” or “Yeech!” in this post, we can’t pay people off, buy the wives the gigantic Kobe Bryant Diamond Ring or just hit that Celebrity Restart Button that so many of them manage to find. So, while it’s fun to be a little naughty some of the time, we shouldn’t REALLY be naughty all of the time. Because despite the celebrity train wrecks we love to watch, we are our biggest inspiration to those around us and ultimately to ourselves.
Finally, if you wondered what my resolution may be for next year, it’s the same as it is every year: To be a little better than I was the last year. At the very least, next year my first post will be better than this one. Hopefully this parting image will make up for it.
In this case, all that glitters IS really gold.
Happy Holidays to you all… And a Happy New Year.
