ALL WE GOT FOR CHRISTMAS… AND DIDN'T WANT

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base_media1.jpg “You can’t always get what you want…”
-The Rolling Stones

NORTH POLE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT – All we wanted was a frogging stainless steel blender because ours went kaplooie last week. A blender. To make the fruit smoothies/protein shakes that we drink every morning so we can play sports and bring you embellished reports. We filled out all the paperwork in time. We made it a point to let Santa, the elves and any dopey reindeer we locked antlers with know. But somehow, inexplicably, the blender never materialized.

399641953.JPG Instead, we got a cookbook. A cookbook! Do we look like the cookbook types?! We’re The Matts – not Cookie! (We sense a re-gifting coming on). The only things we cook up are skewed interviews and bogus statistics! But here’s the clincher: the cookbook has recipes in that require – DRUM ROLL – a blender!!!

Adding insult to injury, one beloved family member got a good laugh at our expense by poking fun at current our dating situation. Tall Matt is lucky enough to have Mrs. Matt but the rest of us – Short Matt, Different Matt and Replacement Matt are all flying solo. Unfortunately, we’re singles hitters playing in a homer-friendly park and would be thrilled if we could just hit for average… Right now, we’re slumping badly – first half of ’09 David Ortiz badly. Heck, we’d be thrilled just to get to The Mendoza Line. Thus this gift:

grow-girl.jpg

However, even Tall Matt was less-than-thrilled with the gifts he got. The Mets dropped Kelvim Escobar on him yesterday. He found out by getting an exclusive “A Christmas Gift From The Mets For You” email from Met GM Omar “Stocking Stuffer” Minaya, yesterday. Kelvim Escobar! That’s worse than a cookbook.

kelvim_escobar-mp-00234.jpg
New Met Kelvim Escobar preps for CitiField booing with Yoga.

iron-man-lego.jpgAnd some people get awesome gifts they clearly don’t deserve. We’re still cursing about not having Cincinnati GM Walt Jocketty as a family member/mandatory gift giver. He’s the Babe Ruth of giving presents. Don’t believe us? Ask Scott Rolen, to whom Wealthy Walt gave a mind-boggling extension. Rolen makes Moise Alou look like Iron Man, yet got a two-year extension that guarantees an additional $13 million. The 34-year-old Hot Corner Man missed time with a concussion, batting .305 with 11 homers and 67 RBIs in 128 games. He got the concussion sneezing. He also hasn’t played more than 128 games since 2006, when he hit 22 HRs at a .296 clip. Generous Jockety figured that was worth a $5 million signing bonus, a $6 million salary next season and $6.5 million in each of the following two seasons. Santa just called – he’s ticked about being shown up!

the-knot.jpg Despite all this, Christmas was still pretty darned good. We got to eat some great food, hang with the ‘rents, giggle with the siblings, see the wonder all the kids bring to the plate and enjoy our bottle of The Knot, which was clearly the best gift of the day. Just the label on this fine libation makes it worthwhile:

“By cracking this seal of The Knot you accept that drinking is never to be taken lightly and promise to act in a responsible fashion — not like some blithering idiot. You promise to drink The Knot straight up in a proper shot glass, rather than mixing it in some sort of novelty, tiny umbrella, fruit fiasco. And finally, you vow that you will never drink to anything that you are not prepared to go through with. If, in any way, you are not willing to abide by these conditions, by all means, please refrain from opening this bottle.”

Uh, we gotta go. We just tied one on with The Knot and the girlfriend is washing upHappy Boxing Day.

images3.jpggrow-your-own-girlfriend2.jpgRex O’Rourke, tomorrow.

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  • janet

    omg! very funny! how do you boys not have ‘real’ girlfriends?!

  • Oregon Pete

    After reading the “Top 10 Reasons You Must Have Her” I’m running out and getting two! The label on the Knot bottle is classic…

  • Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

    Gordon James Ramsay is a dear friend and brilliant chef! Read his authored works and stoop a little less, you barbarians… Indeed, we enjoy his exquisite crumpets and tea at the Soho House every Boxing Day. Off to 40 Greek Street on my Pashley 3-speed for those lovely treats right now, as a matter of fact. Cheers, fools.

  • Randy Levine

    I promise to never drink Knot and eat lo mein ever again.

  • michael kay

    Where can I get that grow a girlfriend? Just curious.

  • Annie Savoy

    Did you read the fine print? “Grows 600 percent its size”??

    Hmm..seems like some of us have heard that claim before…

    Kelvim Escobar?? When did they spring that one on us?

  • Sams A Fan

    Someone gave me a nice bottle of Basil Haydn bourbon for the holidays, and while it does have some strange metal chastity belt looking band around it, the label doesn’t make you promise anything other than to enjoy it.

  • West Coast Craig

    The fine print says you have to leave the girl in Levine’s hot tub to grow that size. Maybe there’s room in there for Kelvim Escobar, especially after he gets injured again.

    I think you should re-gift the cook book to Clancy.

  • jgclancy

    WCC…hahahahahahahaha….guess what I received for Christmas from one of my brothers? Yep….a Cuisinart blender that is designed to make smoothies!!!!
    Isn’t it ironic don’t you think? Now I have two blenders! 🙂
    Chargers won big and if they can avoid Turner doing something dumb could win it all!

  • Grote2Dmax

    The Mets didn’t break the bank for Escobar so I don’t mind that move at all. We should sign Ben Sheets to a similar deal. I just want them to give Jason Bay a take it or leave it offer. Four years $65 million is enough. Same goes for Scott Boras clients, no negotiating find out what you are willing to pay make an offer with a deadline and stand by it. Take it or leave it offers only this off-season. If they don’t get a big ticket item so be it, next year’s class is much better.

    As for Christmas gifts, maybe you should try Toby Young’s cookbook instead – we all know he is Angry Ward incognito.

  • jgclancy

    Maybe Toby Young is just Angry Ward’s “good twin” and they were separated at birth. Anything is possible…..

  • Dr. Diz

    Grows 600% in size…that’s called a wife, not a girlfriend.

    I’m surpised Santa didn’t bring you guys one of those girlfriend dolls, the blow up ones with the surprised look on the face. “Oh, here comes Matt, I’m so surprised…glumph….!”

  • Linda

    I pictured Angry Ward more like David Hasselhoff for some reason… I like the chef though, he’s sexy… Hysterical summary of your gifts, guys. And I agree with Cookie, Dr Diz. Watch it!

  • Junior Blaber

    Kelvim *”Flocking” Escobar. Omar is killing me. He is out to make sure all met fans have no hope this year. Keep up the good work, Omar.

    *Incredulously edited by the MTM Censors!

  • Junior Blaber

    Sorry boys lost my head for a minute. The Wilpons are looking alot like Leon Hess to me these days.

  • Yankee Joe

    Merry Christmas Matts… I wont break your b@lls today. You have it bad enough.

  • Great lines from all of you today! Who knew that Boxing Day would allow for so much play?!
    jgclancy: As per our agent, West Coast Craig Boras, we’ve got an ‘untouchable’ cookbook we’d entertain talks for re a certain new blender…
    Randy Levine: If you do that, stay out of the hot tub, please.
    Dr. Diz: Funny, funny line! But we will deny finding it funny in front of certain people, Mister!!!
    Cookie: You are wise beyond your years!
    Annie Savoy: They dropped Kelvim on us after our 5th Knot-spiced eggnog.
    SAF: Let’s combine forces!

  • Angry Ward

    This was a great post today with excellent comments. Linda the only thing “The Hoff” and I have in common is occasionally having one too many, the similarities end there.

    Matt, those gifts look fantastic to me. A bottle of booze and insta-girlfriend? How can you go wrong?

    The only thing I like about the Escobar signing is that it’s one year. I completely agree with Grote on Sheets getting a similar offer and absolutely agree that Omar and the Mets look like prize fools for letting Jason Bay make them wait like this. That deal should have been taken off the table two weeks ago. This organization (pronounced OR-gain-eye-zay-SHUN) is a joke. If your front office personnel let people walk all over them, how do you expect the players to do any differently.

    One final thought on Bay, if he really wanted to play for the Mets wouldn’t he have taken that deal already? Do the Mets really need/want another player that doesn’t want to be here?

  • jgclancy

    Well…like ‘The Hoff’ he could be ‘The Ward’ but I think he should take The Hoff’s title of “King of the Internet” too. I think AW has to record a song for his challenge of ” Keeping Up with The Hoff” —his new T.V. pilot. He could read/sing the theme William Shatner style. Short Matt could be the neighbor next door like Bentley in The Jeffersons…..okay AW start getting a parody song for Movin’ On Up ready for next Wednesday!

    Go Vikings!!!

  • isles beat the rangers again at the garden! bottles of snot… i mean the knot… for everybody! go jets!

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