“You can’t always get what you want…”
-The Rolling Stones
NORTH POLE COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT – All we wanted was a frogging stainless steel blender because ours went kaplooie last week. A blender. To make the fruit smoothies/protein shakes that we drink every morning so we can play sports and bring you embellished reports. We filled out all the paperwork in time. We made it a point to let Santa, the elves and any dopey reindeer we locked antlers with know. But somehow, inexplicably, the blender never materialized.
Instead, we got a cookbook. A cookbook! Do we look like the cookbook types?! We’re The Matts – not Cookie! (We sense a re-gifting coming on). The only things we cook up are skewed interviews and bogus statistics! But here’s the clincher: the cookbook has recipes in that require – DRUM ROLL – a blender!!!
Adding insult to injury, one beloved family member got a good laugh at our expense by poking fun at current our dating situation. Tall Matt is lucky enough to have Mrs. Matt but the rest of us – Short Matt, Different Matt and Replacement Matt are all flying solo. Unfortunately, we’re singles hitters playing in a homer-friendly park and would be thrilled if we could just hit for average… Right now, we’re slumping badly – first half of ’09 David Ortiz badly. Heck, we’d be thrilled just to get to The Mendoza Line. Thus this gift:
However, even Tall Matt was less-than-thrilled with the gifts he got. The Mets dropped Kelvim Escobar on him yesterday. He found out by getting an exclusive “A Christmas Gift From The Mets For You” email from Met GM Omar “Stocking Stuffer” Minaya, yesterday. Kelvim Escobar! That’s worse than a cookbook.
New Met Kelvim Escobar preps for CitiField booing with Yoga.
And some people get awesome gifts they clearly don’t deserve. We’re still cursing about not having Cincinnati GM Walt Jocketty as a family member/mandatory gift giver. He’s the Babe Ruth of giving presents. Don’t believe us? Ask Scott Rolen, to whom Wealthy Walt gave a mind-boggling extension. Rolen makes Moise Alou look like Iron Man, yet got a two-year extension that guarantees an additional $13 million. The 34-year-old Hot Corner Man missed time with a concussion, batting .305 with 11 homers and 67 RBIs in 128 games. He got the concussion sneezing. He also hasn’t played more than 128 games since 2006, when he hit 22 HRs at a .296 clip. Generous Jockety figured that was worth a $5 million signing bonus, a $6 million salary next season and $6.5 million in each of the following two seasons. Santa just called – he’s ticked about being shown up!
Despite all this, Christmas was still pretty darned good. We got to eat some great food, hang with the ‘rents, giggle with the siblings, see the wonder all the kids bring to the plate and enjoy our bottle of The Knot, which was clearly the best gift of the day. Just the label on this fine libation makes it worthwhile:
“By cracking this seal of The Knot you accept that drinking is never to be taken lightly and promise to act in a responsible fashion — not like some blithering idiot. You promise to drink The Knot straight up in a proper shot glass, rather than mixing it in some sort of novelty, tiny umbrella, fruit fiasco. And finally, you vow that you will never drink to anything that you are not prepared to go through with. If, in any way, you are not willing to abide by these conditions, by all means, please refrain from opening this bottle.”
Uh, we gotta go. We just tied one on with The Knot and the girlfriend is washing up… Happy Boxing Day.
Rex O’Rourke, tomorrow.