The Bronx, NY – Eureka! The Matts have done something bigger then Obama getting into the White House. They freed me to speak to the masses! There won’t be any poems or bullsh*t about movies or music trivia. This will just be facts – hard, cold facts that every sports fan needs to know. Here are 10 of them, courtesy of your pal, Yankee Joe:
The New York Yankees are the WINNINGEST TEAM IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS EVER. PERIOD. 26 Championships.
The New York Mutts have TWO Championships. Two. That’s it. Yankees Su_k can cry all she wants but that is the number. Two sucks.
The Philly Phillies have TWO Championships. Two. That’s it. The Phagnatic and Phyllisview and sprinkle that on their cheese steaks. Again, two sucks.
The Mutts, by all accounts from the Mutt fans on here, built themselves a 2nd rate Stadium with 1st rate money. Kind of like how they threw money at free agents. Are you listening, Bobby Bo, Eddie Murray, Billy Wagner and Pedro? You all keep trying to come up with cute names for it. Rest easy, Yankee Joe has come to the rescue. I give you SHITI FIELD! No need for applause. Stop throwing flowers. Consider the name a gift. Now you can all focus on watching your team lose in some tragic fashion.
The Yankees are 0-2. The Mutts are 2-0. The Phils are 1-2. Wisconsin Walt’s (he’s okay, so far) Brewers are 2-1. jgclara’s A’s are 2-1. These numbers don’t matter. The only number you need to know is 27. That is the because the Bronx Bombers will win their 27th championship this year. I guarantee it.
Cole Hamels and Johan Santana will be on the DL at LEAST once this season.
The NY Rangers will make the playoffs by beating the Broads from Broad Street at least once in the last two games.
The Knicks will win another championship before the Philadelphia 86ers. No doubt about it. Just ask “Mo” Butt Cheeks.
Alex Rodriguez will wn the MVP this year. Mark Texeira will come in second.
The Matts will make the big-time. The fact that they let me do this today means they have what it takes. Angry Wardinia is pretty good, too. See? I’m a team guy.
There. Print these out. Put them on your cubicle wall. Mark them off as they come to be. You can thank me as each comes true – for sparing you pain ahead of time.
Have a great day!