ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: CLASSIFIED INFORMATION

NEW YORK, NY—Somewhat happy about the Mets’ winning streak, but still seething over that pathetic press conference the other day. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always good to see Omar Minaya keep his streak alive for ham-fisted firings, but enough is enough already. This organization has become a laughing stock. The Bernazard firing was long overdue and even when it was clear that he had to go, it was still like pulling teeth. So they do their investigation and instead of just canning the guy, the GM has to pull the grade school move of peripherally blaming the whole fiasco on the person who broke the story.

    Memo to Omar: You should be throwing that reporter a parade for helping you get rid of a cancer.

Also, if you are stupid enough to do this sort of thing, have a little bit more to back it up than a bunch of shrugs and “you knows.” As for Fred Wilpon, firing his own son would really send a message, but that ain’t gonna happen. So it looks as though it is going to have to be Omar.

We don’t want to be too heartless here. The job market is awful and we hate to see anyone out of work, so with that in mind we’ve combed the classifieds for potential landing places for Mr. Minaya. Here’s a sampling:

  • Stand-up Comedian: This could be as seamless a transition for Omar as it was for Jake LaMotta. I can almost hear his shtick now. “Luis Castillo’s contract is soooo big… How many Tony Bernazards does it take to beat up a minor league baseball team?… Stop me if you’ve heard this one folks. Willie Randolph is having a terrible year. The pressure in New York is becoming too much. Nevertheless, he flies out to Los Angeles for a West Coast swing and one night there’s knock on his hotel door at midnight….”
  • General Manager, Washington Nationals: Why the hell not? This could be the best move out there for O.M. If Washington improves by even a handful of games next year he looks like the returning hero. Plus, the Nats’ front office is too stupid to remember that his so-called success was merely a product of a great Expos scouting system and incredibly low expectations.
  • Cab Driver: He spent his formative years in New York so he should have a passing knowledge of the five boroughs and the grid. Great hacks always have terrific stories too, so Omar can regale his fares with such anecdotes as Duaner Sanchez’s ill-fated cab ride.
  • Career Counselor: Just ask Adam Rubin of the New York Daily News, Mr. Minaya has done wonders for his career. Here he’s been stuck in this dead end job covering the Mets, but with Omar’s help he’ll soon be onto something far more glamourous like harness racing or the WNBA.
  • Assistant to the Traveling Secretary, NY Yankees: Nah, who are we kidding, he could never fill Costanza’s shoes, plus George Steinbrenner is no longer pulling the strings and he always loved Mets reclamation projects.
  • Maitre d’: The Minaya skill set would be perfect front and center at a Latino Chicken restaurant such as one of those El Malecon joints. Lots of smiles and back slapping, but no bookkeeping. You also don’t want him involved in any of the shopping. He’d end up overpaying for two-week-old flounder and passing it off as Luis Castillo’s Catch of the Day.
  • Alternative Team Mascot: Let’s face it, Mr. Met is just too darned nice and this friendly attitude is doing nothing to nurture a killer instinct in the Mets, in fact it’s counterproductive. Making the former General Manager into a foil for Mr. Met might be just the solution. Maybe call him something like “Oafmar” and have him run around the field offering ridiculous contracts to opposing players all while Mr. Met kicks him up the a** and peppers him with a sock filled with manure.
  • Anchor, ESPN Deportes: Hey, when Grote2DMax has a solid idea, you run with it. Omar would be a natural with the rest of the morons in Bristol. We’re sure the suits at ESPN will also be hot to team him up with Steve Phillips in a weekly segment titled: Front Office Fools. Heck maybe they can even use him to translate Joe Morgan’s Sunday night ramblings for Spanish- and English-speaking viewers alike.
  • Blogger: Is there a job for Omar at www.MeettheMatts.com? How about moving West Coast Craig to the prime Thursday slot recently vacated by Maria at Bat and, voila!, all of sudden you have Minaya Mondays! It can work people. Wait a minute, can Omar write? Does it really matter? Nah. Plus it will show how big the Matts are to offer a guy a gig who pissed all over their aspirations. It’s true. In fact, when the Wilpons name Short Matt General Manager, Minaya will be the first one to tell you that “Those guys were always gunning for my job.”
  • That’s all for today. Heading out to the stadium-that-shall-remain-nameless for tonight’s tilt with the Rock Pile. You’ll find me out around the Pepsi Porch, beer in one hand, want ads in the other, howling at the moon.

    Here’s a sampling of ESPN Deportes:

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    About Angry Ward 672 Articles
    Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.