NEW YORK, NY—This baseball season is dragging on longer than the excruciatingly bad final episode of Seinfeld. Aside from the war of attrition between the Tigers and Twins in the AL Central and the Yankees’ last ditch effort to give the AL East back to the Red Sox (and the Sox refusal to accept said gift by losing to the likes of the Royals) there’s not much theater here. As for the Mets, they have become such an afterthought that the NY Post has taken to burying their game recaps behind the harness racing results and the horoscope and dangerously close to that ridiculous Outreach Center Donate Your Car for Kids advertisement featuring the creepy little girl with her hands on her cheeks.
Anyway, in an effort to amp up the anger for the autumn and winter months, here are a few things sticking in my craw like a watermelon Jolly Rancher..
• Jerry Jones, the Dallas Cowboys, and that ridiculous new stadium. Some things never go out of style, like blue jeans and hating the Cowboys. Caught the game on Sunday night and it looked like it was being played in the world’s biggest strip club. And just like a strip club, most of the patrons went home that night much lighter in the wallet and incredibly frustrated. One would hope that this stadium with it’s outlandish ticket prices would be the final straw leading to an inevitable league-wide fan backlash but I’m not holding my breath. The best we can hope for is that the huge video board comes loose and crushes JJ or, failing that, Tony Romo keeps being Tony Romo.
• Back to school ads. I know we’re already deep into September but do you ever outgrow the sense of impending dread you feel when you see those first Back to School ads? They should all carry the banner, “Summer is Officially Over and Your Life is About to Get a Whole Lot Worse.†You can’t help but feel a little sorry for all kids and those months of school that lay ahead. Our parents were so full of BS when they used to say: “School isn’t so bad. Just be happy that you don’t have to go to work like me.†Yeah right.
• Rex Ryan. I know you Jets fans are over the moon for this guy who coincidentally is as big as the moon, but I’m already sick of him. He’s just like his Dad , only without the cantankerous geezer charm and the haymakers directed at the offensive coordinator (at least not yet). Clearly the guy can’t keep his mouth shut. When he’s not talking trash he’s most likely eating anything he can get his mitts on. As the old joke goes, the guy’s got more chins than the Chinese phone book. When he first walked in to address the team, I’m sure at least one Jet channeled Roy Scheider from “Jaws†and said, “We’re gonna need a bigger locker room.â€
• So-called celebrities. Judging from the covers of the tabloids these days, I have officially lost touch with who the hot new Hollywood personalities are these days. From the best that I can tell it’s Jon and Kate, two people who apparently had a lot of kids and plastic surgery; Mischa Barton, who isn’t nearly as talented as say, Tara Reid, for instance; and anyone with the last name Kardashian. Though I guess we should just be thankful that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan’s 15 minutes seem to be up. Or are they?
• Mike Francesa. Don’t get me wrong, Mike’s a great poster here on MTM, especially with his “Joba, Joba, Joba, one trick pony, ’Ughes†bit. But Francesa continues to cut people off and destroy them for things they never even said. What’s worse, his show is televised and he dresses like he’s going out to water his lawn in Massapequa, or wherever he lives. The thought of Mike shuffling off to work every morning toting his two liter bottle of diet coke under his arm and sporting his modell’s shorts and flip flops is enough to conjure images of Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation emptying out the toilet for his RV.
On that fine holiday image, I’ll sign off until next week. And don’t go falling in love with Eddie’s RV. He’s taking it with him when he leaves next month.
