CANTON, OH – We hurriedly jumped into the Matt Mobile and raced up here after reading the following AP Report:
Three NFL players on Monday joined a growing list of former professional athletes who have agreed to donate their brains after death to a Boston University medical school program… blah, blah, blah.
We are not making this up. After all, we’re not Brain Surgeons… Ba Doom Cha! (That will be HUGE in the Poconos) Anyway, this brain business stuff got us thinking – ironically – and aside from wanting to be the first ones on line for a potential donor interview here at the NFL Hall Of Fame, we’re obsessed with the burning question that kept us from our noon naps:
Who are the players that agreed to donate their brains before death?
We can only speculate as to who would be dumb enough to sign up for the Alive List. If would have to be athletes that went out of their way to harm themselves or jeopardize their careers by doing something seriously stupid off the field. We’re eliminating those convicted solely of marijuana possession because of likely addictions and those that played less than 2 years. That exempts Nate Newton, Ricky Williams, Jamal Lewis and Maurice Clarett, respectively. This criteria makes picking relatively easy and jail time is pretty much a given. Here’s our list:
O.J. Simpson: A no-brainer! Tee hee. Consensus #1 Pick. Dodge a murder rap and then be stupid enough to strong arm a known shyster for some memorabilia in a state with all-white juries. Duh.
Jayson Williams: “Hey, I got an idea! Bring the limo driver in and let me scare him with my shotgun… [BANG] Oh, snap!”
Mike Tyson: Raping and chewing ears off are not the smartest of choices. Neither is tattooing your face. Jayson is higher than Iron Mike only because Williams was supposedly smart.
Ugueth Urbina: He’s sneaky dumb. “The Squid” is in la cÃ¡rcel for chasing his farmworkers with a machete and a tank of gasoline. El Stupido was almost a Met.
Chris Henry: He’s been arrested seven different times – in under 3 years! We’re hoping for another so we can call him Henry VIII.
Plaxico Burress Sweatpants! Who wears sweatpants to a nightclub? Ever watch the Sopranos, Plax??? Go to JAIL. Go directly to JAIL and do not pass GO. They don’t wear sweatpants in the joint, by the way. Tall Matt knows.
Michael Vick Ansky, Mrs. Matt’s Scottie is smarter despite her misspelling of Yanks, which is why she’s named Ansky.
Aaron Boone: Is he a convicted felon? No. But he’s as dumb as the rest. He propelled the Yanks with a dramatic, forever-to-be-remembered walk-off homer against the Sawx and had that bargaining chip to negotiate a new contract as a free agent. But what does he do? He tears his knee playing basketball – before he signed a contract. That tells us he’d sign the Alive list.
Roger Clemens: He’s really stupid if he thinks we’re all dense enough to buy his malarkey. After signing his deal with the Devil – not Marty Brodeur – he’d sign anything as long as somebody said it would help his cutter.
Pacman Jones: Nobody puts Pacman in the corner – just ask any Vegas stripper.
Art Schlichter: Granted, Gambling is an addiction akin to that of drugs but dang- he’s served the equivalent of 10 years in 44 prisons.
Honorable Mention: Denny McLain, Hot Rod Williams and Michael Ray Richardson.
Humph. There’s seems to be a strong correlation between football and dopiness. Yet, our research is inconclusive because of the other athletes that made the Alive List or Honorable Mention. That said, we did come across one glaring example of a fan being dumb enough to sign the Alive List:
Obviously, Dopey Daddy didn’t realize his little girl had a brain in her head – she’s obviously a Met fan. That’s all for today, please stay out of jail, keep your brains donor-fresh and tell people about our site. PLEASE.
www.MeetTheMatts.com started out as a NY Mets website and organically grew into an entity covering all professional sports. Our daily contributors, as diverse as they may be, share one important asset... a sense of humor. This is, after all, sports entertainment.