OUTER ‘BURBS, CT – Times are tough… kinda sort of. I mean, someone was buying all those tickets to see the World Champion Yankees claim their rightful 2009 Title. Word on the street (Wall, not Main) is that unemployment numbers are down and home sales (existing, not new) are on the rise. You need some good glasses to read all the fine print on these reports and any of us normal folk will say we haven’t seen any change. Methinks it’s all a media ploy, to get us in gear for the holiday season. Speaking of which, was it really necessary for the Salvation Army dude to be out with the bell the other day when it was 65 degrees?

Ding Dong… It’s Christmas already?!?

From what I’ve been seeing, all signs point to our being stuck in a nasty recession. There are all SORTS of crazy sales happening and here at MTM, it’s our duty to point out the good bargains when we can. So, break open your piggy banks and enjoy the spoils.

CARRIE PREJEAN’S VIDEO: Embattled Former Miss California Carrie Prejean is hot on the talk show circuit opening up about all the scandal swirling around her including her controversial anti-gay marriage stance during the pageant and her dropped slander and defamation lawsuit against the Miss America organization. (When our buddy Larry King asked her about this Wednesday on his show, she declined to answer, called him “inappropriate” and walked off the set of the interview studio.) Most recently a sex-tape of Ms. Prejean, PRE-JEANS was released by an ex-boyfriend of hers. Carrie was seen on the tape, enflagrante… um… entertaining herself. Once again this proves that appearing in your own sex tape is just a BAD idea. And of course for all the battering she’s receiving in her current interviews, she’s always able to manage a smile and a plug for? Her new book! The book is on sale now and I’m sure if you look hard enough, you can find the video, too.

WORLDLY WORLD CHAMPION TOGS: We all know the Yankees are the 2009 World Series Champions. The Yanks sported their World Champion gear during their ticker tape parade and Modell’s and Dick’s Sporting Goods started selling the garb immediately after the World Series and all through the night. But what ever happened to those most-definitely printed 2009 World Champion Philadelphia Phillies hats, t-shirts, sweatshirts and the like? Unlike unreleased sex tapes, they DO NOT see the light of day. But they DO exist. Where do they go? Third World countries? Will The Matts find them on their next exotic trip? Will some unsuspecting Aussie Rules Football Player pick one up during his jaunt to a island in his hemisphere? I dunno. But our American love of the ironic would make them the perfect item in the sales bin at any and every discount store. Where the hell are they? I want one. And one of these, for that matter:

Aussie Rules Footy Players are SCRUMptious!

J-LO’S DOWN-LO HONEYMOON SHOT: Back in the day, on the 6 Train, you might’ve seen Jenny from the Block. Since being a Fly Girl on In Living Color (the show.. not the band), Ms. Lopez has married three times. Of course, one of those times she made the mistake of??? You guessed it: Sex Tape:

Say it ain’t so, J-Lo! Compromising positions on tape are a ‘No-No!

J-Lo’s first husband Ojani Noa (yes, I had to look this info up) is threatening to release over 11 hours of bootylicious J-Lo home movies, which include some sexually explicit material from their honeymoon. For now, a California judge (that’s JUDGE – not Judd; Cris Judd was her second nobody-husband) has granted a temporary restraining order prohibiting release of the footage. Seeing this is the 2nd time Noa has tried to release some other materials, I’m guessing that eventually he’ll figure out how to backdoor this stuff out. Keep your eye on your local video store.

K-HUD’S ‘Don’t Pull Your Pud V-Jay-Jay Ho Mojo: During the 2009 World Series Champion victory parade (did I mention that glorious occasion again?), suspiciously absent from the public eye and Yankee flotilla was one Ms. Kate Hudson (aka K-Hud). Seems K-Hud’s magic v-jay jay mojo erected A-Rod’s post-season play to a fabulous level. Yankee fans everywhere thank her. And now, for a short time (and I mean REALLY short) you will have the opportunity to buy Kate Hudson’s Golden V-jay-Jay Mojo. Right after A-Rod dumps her because she won’t relent with the marriage talk, she’ll be shopping her wares.

A.J. BURNETT’S FAMOUS CREAM PIES: Everyone loves a cream pie. Nobody’s cream pies are nuttier and more predictable than A.J. Burnett’s Famous Cream Pies. (No, I am not talking about another sex tape!) Yeah, so sometimes they are a little wild and end up in the dirt, but everyone loves some pie in the face (Yankee Joe, no comment please). Look for them in stores near you. In fact, they should be right next to the Nick Swisher Barber Shop O’ Silly.

Speaking of pies, here are some cutie-pies, just for the fellas. This finally proves to me that perhaps soccer is worth another look. Maybe it’s NOT so boring after all!

CITY COSTCO CONUNDRUM: Now I’ve heard it all. A Costco was recently opened in Harlem. You know, Costco… where you can get a 10-lb. bag of dried cranberries to sprinkle on your 15-lb box of fiber rich cereal. Of course, down the aisle you can buy the requisite 50-pack of toilet paper the size of a Mini Cooper. Anyone who lives in the ‘burbs loves Costco because buying in bulk means you can save money. But a Costco in Harlem?!?! First off, how are people schlepping their gigantic jugs of detergent home? On the subway?!? And how much freezer space are you taking up with that 5-lb. bag of ravioli?!? Pfft! Call me when you figure out where to store all that toilet paper and crap in an NYC apartment.

METS MAD-OFF THE RACK JACKETLe piece du resistance. In an effort to recover some of the millions – or wait… I think that’s BILLIONS – of dollars Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme bilked out of retirement savings everywhere, his personal possessions are being auctioned off. While Rolex watches, a house in The Hamptons and Chanel this or that sound nice, I’ve got my eye on the next item, which is the ONLY way I’d wear these colors; That’s right, I’d put on the attractive (that’s sarcasm, people) color combo of orange and blue if I were to have the Mets jacket personalized with Bernie’s name ‘MADOFF’ on the back. And if any of you jokers get the jacket, I want a picture of me standing next to you in it.
Sure, the 2009 World Series Champion Phillies togs are a good bit of irony but they pale in comparison to the Madoff jacket. That jacket just speaks volumes. It says “I screwed the Wilpons, I screwed the stadium, I screwed the fans.” The media is projecting it will go for several hundred dollars. I say add a few zeros on that. There’s no putting a price on priceless.

So get out there folks! The holidays are coming and there are plenty of bargains to be had. If you’re not interested in any of these, there’s also Andre Agassi’s book, Gnip Gnop, and I hear Randy Levine is selling his hot tub because he’s trading up for a bigger one.

Share Button
About Cookie 101 Articles
Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She's our Angelina Jolie in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and... Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody's business and is one smart... Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.