Not-Quite-Jailbait Kate

NEW YORK, NY – It seems that just about everyone from Yahoo to Twitter to US Weekly has a trending tracker these days, and we here at Meet The Matts certainly don’t want to be left out of this glorious pop culture orgy. With this in mind, we’ll spend today’s column checking in on those people and things rising in popularity versus those in decline. We’ll call it Hell Yeah! vs. Meh. Here’s a quick look:

Hell Yeah! – Kate Upton. Just when you thought the SI Swimsuit Issue was as dead as George Steinbrenner, they trot out this piece of gorgeousity. Holy smokes! Wait a minute, how old is she? 19??? That’s it,  we’ve officially entered our dirty old man years.

MehB.J. Upton. This guy used to be one of the hottest names in baseball and rumored to be getting traded to just about every powerhouse team around. But after a year that saw him hit .243 and strike out 161 times, Upton’s not even as popular as B.J. and the Bear. Just ask West Coast Craig.

Hell Yeah! – Texas Rangers. Can you believe the Rangers are going to their second consecutive World Series? This team has come a long way from their days of being the Yankees’ punching bag and making Shane Spencer look like Mickey Mantle.

MehNew York Rangers. It’s only been three games but the Rangers are winless, even dropping a game to the Islanders. That’s almost as disappointing as the last six M. Night Shyamalan movies and easily more scary.

Hell Yeah! – Calvin Johnson. Why Dallas defensive coordinator Rob Ryan said that Cowboys receivers were better than this guy is beyond me. Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a Ryan. Anyway, Megatron is a monster. You can’t even triple cover the guy.

Calvin and Knobs

MehTerrell Owens. T.O. recently did an interview with ESPN nincompoop Stephen A. Smith where he made a fake retirement announcement. What he didn’t understand was, for a joke like that to work, people have to actually think that you kinda aren’t already retired.

Hell Yeah! – Camping Out at a Bar. It’s officially bourbon drinking season again, and I couldn’t be happier. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my annual summer fling with rum, but bourbon (the brownest of the brown liquors) will always be my dark master. Start pouring, barkeep.

Come Fall, every street is Bourbon Street

MehCamping Out in the Financial District. Look, I don’t even understand people who enjoy pitching a tent (heh, I said “pitching a tent”) in scenic national parks, but dragging your sleeping bag down to New York’s financial district sounds positively revolting. Occupy Wall Street? I’d rather occupy the bathroom from Train Spotting.

Hell Yeah! – Celebrity Splits. First, Ashton Kutcher woke up one morning and realized that he was married to someone old enough to be his mom and consoled himself by shagging someone young enough to be one of his step-daughters, which is awesome. Now it appears that Kim Kardashian’s marriage to New Jersey Net Kris Humphries is on the rocks. It’s been almost two months of matrimonial bliss but, honestly, what took so long? A vapid piece of ass does not a wife make. Eh, well, maybe it does.

MehNBA Lockout. The NFL already did this, and with much greater fan and media frenzy. So by the time the NBA got around to its lockout, people treated it like what it is: Ghostbusters II. The only person who could potentially be harmed by a protracted NBA work stoppage is the aforementioned Kardashian, who will have to restrict her window shopping for hubby number three to other sports until basketball gets its sh!t together.

That’s all for today. Lori Levine is back tomorrow. Hell Yeah!

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About Angry Ward 756 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.