NEW YORK, NY – There are lots of things going on in sports this week, but none more important than a television sitcom that’s been off the air for well over a decade. Seinfeld billed itself as a show about nothing, but one could argue that it was as much about sports as any other “nothing” category. But what exactly became of the many sports luminaries who appeared on Seinfeld after the show ended its run in 1998? Finally their stories can be told.
Keith Hernandez. Currently a color commentator for the best television broadcast team in baseball, Hernandez never did make it all the way with Elaine Benes, though he hasn’t given up hope. In fact he plans on having her over to his new place (the one Kramer and Newman helped him move into) for a nice Grenache and some more stories about the ’86 Mets.
George Steinbrenner. Big Stein went to that big shipping yard in the sky back in 2010. The official cause of death was heart attack, but Steinbrenner’s ticker problems can all be traced back to the day that George Costanza (aka Bodysuit Man) tied the World Series trophy to his car and dragged it around the Yankees parking lot.
Milos. After he was exposed as an awful tennis player, Milos (pron: Mee-low-shh) voluntarily resigned from his position in the pro shop. He later dedicated himself to the game and is currently coach for fellow countryman, and World Men’s #1 player, Novak Djokovic. Another game for Milos!
Danny Tartabull. Whereabouts unknown. After being hijacked by Costanza in a road rage incident and missing his PBS Pledge Drive appearance, Tartabull was later traded by the Yankees to the A’s for Ruben Sierra and finished his career in Philadelphia. He hasn’t been heard from since.
Little Jerry Seinfeld. Kramer’s plucky fighting cock was never the same after getting schooled by Marcelino’s ringer rooster. He was later adopted by Michael Vick and nursed back to health.
Bette Midler. The former catcher never played in the Broadway Show Softball League again, but did manage to snag a Tony for her performance in Rochelle, Rochelle: The Musical. Her press agent reports that she’s over her injuries and in the pinsk.
Roger McDowell. Currently pitching coach for the Atlanta Braves. It’s no coincidence that many on the Braves staff have been accused of throwing spitters.
Stan the Caddy. After Kramer’s golf career was cut short by Oh Henry Candy Bar heiress Sue Ellen Mischke and her tantalizing top shelf, Stan bounced around the PGA tour caddying for the likes of John Daly and K.J. Choi. He’s recently been put on retainer by Tiger Woods.
David Puddy. New Jersey Devils superfan and unabashed face painter, Puddy has been sitting on his sofa quietly, staring ahead blankly with hands in lap, waiting for the start of the NHL regular season.
Joe DiMaggio. Dinky Donuts Dunker is deceased.
Jean-Paul Jean-Paul. Everyone’s favorite oversleeping Olympian still hasn’t emerged from his lazy, hazy ways. Turns out former marathoner Jean-Paul Jean-Paul is working right here in the MeetTheMatts IT Department. Ironically, his main responsibility is making sure Short Matt wakes from his various hangover comas in time to edit columns. We all know how that’s worked out thus far.
Lori Levine, a girl who really puts asses in the seats, yada yada yada, is back tomorrow.