Angry Ward Wednesday: Holiday “Daffy”nitions

NEW YORK, NY – In celebration of the brilliant, yet failed, stand-up career of one Clifford Clavin, today we offer you some MTM holiday-themed sports daffynitions. Even if this is viewed as “mailing it in,” let’s be honest, the Post Office needs the work, and nothing would make Cliffy happier.
Here goes:

Tree Trimming: What Tree Rollins gets at his local barbershop every December.

Christmas Play: What Jerry Sandusky calls groping the boys of Second Mile around the holidays.

Menorah: How Shannon Sharpe pronounces “Marino.

Bauble: A David Wright defensive staple.

Snowman: Sam Hurd’s new prison nickname.

Kris Kringle: An horrific new STD created by the short-lived union of Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian.

DreDull: The most common excuse among NFL sportswriters for keeping former Bills receiver Andre Reed out of the Hall of Fame.

Fruitcake: (see Johnny Weir)

Ho Ho Ho: The first three names on the guest list for the Vikings annual Holiday Sex Boat party.

Missiletoe: What Quadry Ismail used to call his turf toe injuries.

Grinch: The sound Short Matt’s knees make when he crouches.

Egg Nog: What Eagles fans would do if the opposing quarterback’s name was Nog.

Stocking Stuffer: The thing Brett Favre shoves down his pants to make his junk look bigger.

Kwanzaa: How Shannon Sharpe pronouces “Cowher.”

Midnight Mass: What Rob Ryan’s wife sees bathed in refrigerator light every night around midnight.

(l-r: Rob Ryan, Lunch, Rex Ryan)

Carol: That chick from The Magic Garden.

Garland: A guy who will probably be pitching for the Mets in 2012.

Slay Ride: Any lift from Jim Leyritz.

Festival of Lights: Jersey Turnpike traffic description for this Sunday’s Giants/Jets game.

Noel: The response El Duque got from every single Major League team when he asked for an invite to spring training.

OK, that’s all for this week. Have a great holiday everyone! Our own Hanukkah Honey, Lori Levine, is back tomorrow. Mazel!


Share Button
About Angry Ward 752 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.