Slap Shot: The Story of the New Orleans Hornets

CHARLOTTE, NC – For a Hockey fan, watching the Chris Paul saga has been more entertaining than a good fight between wives at a NASCAR race. At last, the graceful Association led by David Stern has finally taken a misstep. Now assuming Chris Paul stays in New Orleans, the plot of this season in The Big Easy seems eerily similar to my favorite Hockey Movie SLAP SHOT!

I am guessing this is what the last round of negotiations – before Paul got traded in the wee hours to the LA Clippers – sounded like between David Stern and Dell Demps and Chris Paul.

Demps/Paul: You mean you could sell us, but you won’t?
David Stern: I could probably sell you, but I can’t.
Demps/Paul: Well – you know, uh – we’re human beings, you know.
David Stern: I have to confess I’ve never let the children watch a hockey game. I have a theory that children imitate what they see on a TV screen. If they see violence, they’ll become violent. If they see someone stick up a bank, they’ll stick up a bank. Heroin. You name it.
Demps/Paul: You’re f*cked!
David Stern: What?
Demps/Paul: You are totally f*cked! You’re garbage for letting us all go down the drain.

The Hornets only had 7 players under contract before the trade. Since Dell Demps obviously can’t make a roster move by himself this can only mean one thing: They needed to bring in The Hansons

Demps: Oh, you cheap son of a bitch. Are you crazy? Those guys are ret*rds!
Stern: I got a good deal on those boys. The scouts said they showed a lot of promise.
Demps: They brought their f*ckin’ TOYS with ’em!

The whole time Dell Demps is going to be playing up every rumor that the team is moving but in reality he cant do anything because he doesn’t really have an owner…

Hornets new owners???

Demps: And remember I went up to your room afterwards and you were dressed in chick’s clothes? Yeah, you had on this black bra with tassels! You were dancing in front of a mirror with this kinda zebra skin jockstrap.
Stern: Bitch!
Demps: Remember how I screamed at you when you started coming on to me? And I just said ‘Jesus stop it Joe, I’m ashamed of you!’
Stern: Goddamn you.
Demps: I wanted to tell you I forgot the whole thing. Years have passed, now I’m sexually liberated. I don’t care who’s a fag no more. I mean who cares? It’s natural, it’s all around us.
Demps: Who’s the owner Joe?

Of course with a superstar that had no motivation, that means that guys like Quincy Pondexter have to get some interview time. After all he is the only guy who is actually under contract…

Craig Sager: Hi, Jim Carr again. Denis, I know that some in our audience don’t know the finer points of hockey. Could you tell them, for example, what is icing?
Quincy Pondexter: Well, um, icing happen when the puck come down, bang you know, before the other guys you know. Nobody there, you know. My arm go comme ça then the game stop then start up.

The possibilities with these quotes are endless. The possibilities for the Hornets… Well let’s just say they aren’t going to be able to goon their way to a championship, especially without Chris Paul.

Different Matt, tomorrow.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.