Angry Ward Wednesday: A Special Message from the NY Mets Emergency Broadcast Network

NEW YORK, NY – Greetings Mets fans! Fred and Jeff Wilpon here on the New York Mets Emergency Broadcast Network. Sorry to interrupt your show. We know that many of you are upset that Jose Reyes opted not to re-sign with our team and instead chose the money and meringue that South Florida has to offer. We want you to know that we honestly tried to keep him here but, gosh darnit, he just wasn’t interested in our hourly wage proposal. While we wish Jose all the best and will always cherish the warm memories of the last few years, we must move on. We have big plans! None of which we can share with you at this juncture. So we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Was that the chick from Frazier? Oh. Are we on? Hello folks. The Mets Emergency Broadcast Network is back on the air. We’ve been getting a lot of concerned e-mails and phone calls from fans regarding our plans for the 2012 season. We will now read from a statement prepared by Jay Horwitz. Ahem. “At this point our plans for the 2012 season are for us to know and for you to find out.” That is all. We now return you to your program, already in progress.

Whoa, who was that guy? He makes Jerry Manuel look stable. Still… can he hit? May be worth having Alderson give him a jingle and maybe a look-see in St. Lucie. Oh no, Jeff, you’re sitting on the broadcast button. Get up!

Spot-Starter Rex?

Sorry to be breaking into tonight’s Million Dollar Movie, Day of the Triffids, everyone. We just want to assure all Mets fans that, as we speak, we are taking steps to secure the core of our team. We have no intention of letting David Wright and his .254 average and 19 errors get away. Same goes for Mike Pelfrey, who has all the tools to be an ace, but just has a little bit of trouble opening his toolbox. Also, our crack medical staff had Ike Davis on a strict foot bath regimen so that he’ll be ready for spring training. OK, back to the exciting conclusion of the movie, where they kill all the triffids with water. Oops. Belated spoiler alert. Eh, the movie’s over anyway. Back to whatever’s on next.

Wrestling? We need to get these folks interested in baseball. Still, it couldn’t hurt to have Sandy find out about the availability of Bruno Sammartino and Bob Backlund. Jeff!, you’re sitting on the broadcast button again.

Whoa, wrong station. Well, maybe not. Are we on WPIX now? Can’t remember. Anyway Mets fans, we just want to remind you that there’s no need to panic. We’ve got the situation under control. All is well. If this had been a real Mets emergency we would have notified you by strapping a bomb to Jason Bay and having him hug Bobby Bonilla.

This concludes another day of broadcasting here at NYMEBN. Stay tuned for Lori Levine tomorrow starring in Blondes Behind Bars on Movie 9.




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About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.