Angry Ward Wednesday: The Times They Are A-Changin’

Wright & Haden: Big Bowler Hats To Fill

NEW YORK, NY – For those of you who don’t live in these parts, the tri-state area got it’s first semi-serious snowfall of the winter this past weekend. As I walked along, kinda enjoying the fresh white coating, hours before it would be turned into bus exhaust painted gray sludge, I saw a bunch of kids having a snowball fight. For a brief second, my spirits were lifted knowing that at least some activities don’t change with the passage of time. Then I saw it. One of the snow-sphere-flinging rapscallions was using what can only be described as a large blue plastic meatball maker to construct his snowballs. What the *frog??? When kids stop making snowballs with their own two hands it’s only a matter of time before the Red Chinese are knocking on our door and this great country of ours is turned into one big filthy combination dumpling house/knock-off handbag factory. Is everything going to hell in a hand-basket? Let’s take a look:

Not sho Fausto, Moneypenny...

Cheerio? As was mentioned here (both by yours truly and a couple of others) last weekend, it was recently announced that the St. Louis Rams will be playing a game in England for not one, not two, but the next three seasons. Christ, Pat Hayden didn’t spend as much time across the pond, and he was a Rhodes Scholar. For those worried about the Rams taking their act to the land of Pimms and propriety permanently, the bigger smoking gun is that St. Louis owner Stan Kroenke also owns a little soccer club you might have heard of called Arsenal. Grote2DMax and *Tall Matt must be puking all over their Ferragamosat the very thought. In a lesser but still significant move, the Rams also hired former Jets coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to run their offense. Schottenheimer’s hiring ensures that the Rams will post the kinds of low-digit scores that London’s football fans fancy. One thing’s for sure about all of this: Irish Rams fans such as Grote2DMax and *Tall Matt must be puking all over their Ferragamosat the very thought.

No Country for Old Men. In other shocking news, one-time Cleveland Indians ace Fausto Carmona was arrested in the Dominican Republic and charged with using a false identity to obtain a U.S. Visa, which begs a whole bunch of questions. First, they got cops in the DR? Second, why choose Fausto as your made-up name? In any event, it also turns out that Roberto Hernandez Heredia (his real name… maybe) is actually three years older than he’d told the Indians. Which makes is official: Latino baseball players lie more about their age than the entire old lady population of New York. In fact, are there a bigger bunch of bullsh!t throwers out there than Latino ballplayers? Age, drugs, sexual preference, these guys will lie about anything. Speaking of sexual preference…

Hello Frisco!: Congratulations to the New York Giants, who upended the San Francisco 49ers last Sunday in overtime! Aside from the fact that it was hard-fought contest between two evenly matched teams, it’s also not every day that the second gayest city in the world bests the world’s gayest city in the third most homoerotic sport on the planet. (Sorry football, but MMA and rugby still have you beat.) This game also cemented Eli Manning as a better quarterback than his brother Peyton. Can you really argue it? Though he may not have his big brother’s stats, he’s got him beat in vitually all of the categories that count, especially big game wins, big wins on the road, and, now, number of Super Bowl appearances. It’s your move, Peyton.

Cam Purcell, another potential tea and crumpet Rams fan, is back with Ram Rules, tomorrow.


*See above video

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About Angry Ward 661 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.