Angry Ward Wednesday: Real New York Heroes

NEW YORK, NY – I know today’s the big Leap Year day and I probably should be doing a column about great leaping catches or wrestling immortal Leaping Lanny Poffo or DJ Leap or even Tiger Beat legend, Leap Garrett… but to hell with that. There’s bigger news afoot. MTM (mostly) silent partner Tall Matt has announced that he’s opening a big-time authentic New York-style delicatessen in Northern Manhattan. While he’ll be serving usual deli staples such as Mattwurst and Chicken Stanley soup, he’s also putting his own spin on a Carnegie and Stage tradition by introducing a line of local sports celebrity-named sandwiches. Here’s a sneak peek:

The Derek Jeter. Matt’s own proprietary Pastime Pastrami piled high between one slice of pumpernickel and one slice of white bread, served with a pinstripe pickle. A real crowd pleaser.

The Rex Ryan. Pigs feet and tongue on a super roll. Accompanied by Mark Sanchfries and an order of  D’Brickaslaw.

The Mike D’Antoni Baloney. Coach D’s favorite thing to eat while he’s watching the playoffs at home. There’s no defense (seriously) against this coldcut classic. Enough nitrates and mustard to fill your breadbasket, but for those wanting more, there’s always a Carmelo Apple.

The Mario Manningham and Cheese. The ingredients are here to stay. We’re 75% sure that the sandwich name isn’t.

"God, please let there be hot tubs in heaven." -Randy Levine

The Fred Wilpon Po’ Boy. Flushing Bay shrimp and phony lettuce on sourdough. You can order this one with or without Madoff mayo.

The Randy Levine Hot Tub Hot Sub. Big juicy meatballs and spicy sausage aplenty on a footlong torpedo. Is this heaven? No, it’s a sandwich.

The Jeremy Lin Eggroll. A new slant on a classic Chinese favorite. Our eggroll is loaded with point guard pork and authentic shredded Harvard Ivy and it’s all deep fried in leftover Pat Riley hair oil. Me so hungry!

The New York Islander. A frozen fish filet topped with seaweed on a stale club roll. The taste that made Long Island famous.

The Jason Bay. 10 pounds of turkey between two slices of wonder bread. A pale behemoth! You’d have an easier time eating a contract.

And Gordon Ramsey has nothing on Tall Matt:

There are plenty more to come. We haven’t even touched the Mikhail Prokhorov Borscht and the King Henrik Headcheese Hero. Not that we plan on anytime soon. Stay tuned for some other ham here tomorrow from Ram Rules.

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About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.