Angry Ward Wednesday: Storage Wars (MLB Edition)

Ruggedly Good-Looking Kent Tekulve

NEW YORK, NY – Not sure how many of you out there are familiar with the show Storage Wars on A&E, but for those of you not in the loop here’s a brief primer. Its basically a reality program that revolves around abandoned storage facility lockers and the small group of assorted wingnuts and weirdos who bid on them in auction. Anyway, the show’s producers have teamed up with Major League Baseball for a spinoff entitled, Storage Wars MLB.Today, we’re getting an unprecedented sneak peak at some of the lockers on the block. Let’s see what we find.

New York Mets. Lot of cobwebs in here. What’s this? Looks pretty old. A bunch of potting soil and tomato seeds marked, Joe Pignatano. Here’s a book that says Sports Medicine for Dummies. Holy Crap, the old mets baseball cap bullpen cart. Pretty cool. There’s something on the front seat. A case of Budweiser with Dallas Green’s name on it. There’s something else back here. Something big. Yikes! Bobby Bonilla! What the hell are you supposed to do with this piece of junk? It’s too ugly to even function as some sort of deformed cigar store Indian. That bullpen car might fetch some money but the rest of this stuff is mostly garbage.

Oakland A’s. This one’s fairly empty. Here’s an unopened box of Schick razors with Joe Rudi’s name on it. What’s that over there? Looks like three pairs of MC Hammer parachute pants. There’s also around five or six dozen boxes of Charlie Finley orange baseballs, a large crate emblazoned with the word BALCO, and the bleached bones of what appears to be Art Howe. I could see JGClancy taking a shot at this one.

Charlie had some balls.

Pittsburgh Pirates. A bunch of ’70s pillbox Pirates caps with Stargell’s Stars on ’em? Cool! Manny Sanguillen’s catching equipment and batting helmet. CheesyBruin would love this. Here’s a whole mess of Kent Tekulve aviator glasses and one of John Candelaria’s old disco suits. Holy crap! I can’t believe it. A mint-condition, barely used Andrew McCutchen. This kid’s only 25! Someone’s really gonna hit the jackpot with this unit.

New York Yankees. Oh my God, something reeks in here. Whoa!, I just tripped over a box of Hideki Irabu’s magnets. Still, what stinks? There goes Phil Rizzuto’s cow. Looks like it’s seen better days, but that’s not what smells. Here’s a box that says: Billy’s Medicine. Should have known… Jim Beam. That stench is getting stronger. Ah, I see, it’s Kei Igawa. They really should get some glade plug-ins for this thing. Nothing of much value here.

Chicago Cubs. Steve Bartman and a mummified goat. Let’s move on.

Toronto Blue Jays. This is interesting, a whole bunch of stuff from old Exhibition Stadium. What kind of stadium name was that anyway? There’s the seagull Dave Winfield killed. This Dave Stieb jersey is pretty cool. Here’s a bunch of useless Canadian currency. A bunch of Bryan Adams albums? I bet someone will make a play for this one.

Despite the opinion of some Yankee fans, Winfield was not for the birds.

OK, let’s check out the last locker.

Atlanta Braves. Now this is curious. Nothing in here but a giant box with the words: 1990s Braves Pitching Staff Strike Zone. Tom Glavine should have taken this to New York with him. A lot of people can use something like this. I smell a bidding war. Well, anything’s better than the smell of Kei Igawa.

That’s all for this week, auction enthusiasts. Come back tomorrow for a true treasure, Lori Levine.


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About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.