NEW YORK, NY – It seems around every few years or so someone posts one of those lists of which sports star was the greatest to wear each number from zero through 99. For the most part, these lists don’t need to be revisited all that often. I mean, it’s not like there’s ever gonna be a better #3 than The Bambino and Wayne Gretzky’s got a choke hold on #99 for the foreseeable future. With that in mind, I though it would be far more interesting to compare several sports personalities who share(d) the same last name. Let the names begin!
Wilt Chamberlain vs. Joba Chamberlain. Wilt The Stilt set a record by scoring 100 points in a game. Joba once broke 100 on Donkey Kong. Wilt barely had to leave the floor to dunk a basketball. Joba barely had to bounce on a trampoline to destroy his ankle. Wilt reportedly had sex with over 20,000 women. Joba once attracted more than 50,000 gnats to his greasy neck. Winner: Wilt.
Verne Lundquist vs. Henrik Lundqvist. Verne Lundquist is a Minnesotan with a Swedish last name who has called lots of big games in a variety of sports. Henrik Lundqvist is a Swede with a Swedish last name who really hasn’t won a truly big game… yet. Verme Lundquist used to have a ridiculously long pause between the words “Murder” and “She Wrote” when teasing that show on CBS football telecasts. Henrik Lundqvist had the nickname “Queen” as a youth for which we assume he was teased. Winner: Until King (or Queen) Henrik wins the cup, it’s Verne Lunquist…………………………… we wrote.
B.J. Upton vs. Kate Upton. We’ve covered this one before, but one more time won’t hurt. B.J. Upton has 769 career hits. Kate Upton’s website gets that many hits every millisecond. B.J. Upton has scored 460 times in his major league career. Kate Upton has scored over a billion times in the sweaty fantasies of men everywhere. Let’s just end this slaughter. Winner: Kate Upton.
Kenyon Martin vs. Billy Martin. An interesting match-up here. Kenyon Martin was the first overall draft pick in the 2000 NBA Draft. Billy Martin’s was George Steinbrenner’s number one pick to manage the Yankees… five different times. K-Mart has a weakness for tattoos. Billy had a weakness for booze. Winner: Kenyon still has time to catch up but Billy would have won this one on the strength of his having decked a marshmallow salesman alone.
Ali Haji-Sheikh vs. The Iron Sheik. Ali Haji- Sheikh kicked for the Giants, Falcons, and Redskins. The Iron Sheik kicked Andre The Giant, Koko B. Ware, and Chief Jay Strongbow, among others. Ali Haji-Sheikh was coached by Bill “Big Tuna” Parcells. The Iron Sheik was once managed by Classy Fred Blassie. Haji-Sheikh won a Super Bowl with Washington. The Iron Sheik despises Washington. Winner: The Iron Sheik. “Iran Number One!”
Alex Rodriguez vs. Chi Chi Rodriguez. A-Rod made millions doing steroids. Chi Chi entertained thousands making believe his putter was a sword. A-Rod finally won a World Series ring after sleeping with Kate Hudson. Chi Chi never heard of Kate Hudson. A-Rod slept with Madonna. Chi Chi’s old enough to be Madonna’s slightly older brother. A-Rod’s been linked to Cameron Diaz. Chi Chi’s been linked to the links. Loser: A-Rod. It’s amazing how often you see those words together.
Chris Ward vs. Angry Ward. Former Jets tackle Chris Ward once had his helmet ripped off by Lyle Alzado. Angry Ward gets ripped off regularly by the owners of this site. Winner: Chris Ward.
Come back and get yourself some Lori Levine here tomorrow.