Fantasy Rules For Fantasy Draft

ST. LOUIS, MO – Every year around this time, the closet Mel Kipers, armchair QBs and upper deck offensive coordinators get together with their respective Cliff Clavins, Uncle Bucks and black sheep to have a Fantasy Draft.  I myself have my own tonight.

Everyone has an angle and all are contrived or frogging ignorant – or both. In the NFL, the fact is that anything can happen. You can bet on the inexplicable. But I’m here to help prepare you. You can bet your Medicare (getting politics in) that one or more of the players you draft will:

1) Catch a hospital pass and end up in the hospital.
2) Get arrested in a club on a Tuesday.
3) Get arrested in a club on a Tuesday… with his mother.
4) Have an argument with a teammate that results in him not seeing the ball again.
5) Request arbitration at mid-season to increase his compensation – due to rising alimony/child support payments.

Britney or Lori Levine?

6) Claim that he thought the glory hole was a confessional booth.
7) Test positive for horse tranquilizers.
8) Have a relationship with  someone wonderfully distracting…  like Lori Levine.
9) Be suspended for some sort of illegal hit.
10) Be let off for some sort of illegal hit and run.
11) Get cited for indecent exposure at a Chucky Cheese.
12) Buy Roger Goodell a steak dinner and never call him again
13) Find Jimmy Hofa’s body.

Justin Blackmon has always been a little too comfortable in orange.

14) Decide football isn’t as much fun as smoking pot.
15) Go to the Dominican Republic for “Treatment.”
16) Hang out with Barack Obama.
17) Be sent to Iraq by Barack Obama.
18) Miss practice due to overbooked Buick commercials.
19) Get caught with an underage girl at Disney World.
20) Leave football for a rap career.
21) Come back to football from a failed rap career.
22) Live in New Jersey.
23) Jump off the back of a moving vehicle.
24) Appear on Meet The Matts.
25) Not tell anyone about his concussions.
26) Get Married to Lori Levine.
27) Sell his bodily fluids on Ebay.
28) Run a motorcycle through a Starbucks.
29) Be quoted as “If the jimmy hat don’t… fit you must acquit.”
30) Die from a bee sting.
31) Become a Scientologist.
32) Miss time for an family (entourage) related matter.
33) Enter the stands and get a blinding beer poured in his face.
34) Don a T-shirt that says: FEMALE BODY INVESTIGATOR
35) Be eaten by Rosie O’Donnell.
36) Dance with Wolves.
37) Fight with wolves.. (too soon?).
38)…. Frog it.  I was going to try and fit 50 quips in here to satisfy Angry Ward but I ran out of ammo when 38 was going to be something about Pokemon.

The Bottom Line is this:  The embarrassing cacophony of hooligans that comprise the NFL make me want to puke.  How stupid do you have to be for 90% of you to go bankrupt???  Answer: 90% stupid since most of the above has happened.

As for your respective drafts… Draft Greg Zuerlein 1# overall.  This kid has a Leg and he is a Ram.

Greg Zuerlein MVP!

Cookie’s Corner, tomorrow.  Frog the Cubs.

Share Button
About Cam James 124 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.