Readers, please note that Angry Ward went on strike as of midnight Sunday September 23rd. Among his demands are fewer hours, more compensation, better working conditions (he lives in the Bronx!), more company barbecues, less Short Matt and more free booze – among other things. In an effort to bring MTM’s loyal readers the same uninterrupted high-quality content they’re accustomed to, management has hired a replacement to fill A-Dubya’s space for as many weeks as it takes. Please welcome, Affable Wade and his debut: Replacement Refs, Baseball & So Much More!
TERRE HAUTE, IN – Hey there, sports fans. Affable Wade here, comin’ at ya from Terre Haute, the crossroads of America, located along the beautiful Wabash River right here in West Indiana. When this bald Matt fella contacted me through my own sports blog, Hoosier Horseshoe Enthusiast, I was bowled over by his offer to write for an honest-to-goodness big-time sports site located in New York City. He said that this could be a big opportunity for an enterprising young guy such as myself (strangely enough he did this while placing his hand on my upper thigh, which made me feel kinda funny). Anyway, I just hope that people don’t take it the wrong way that I’m stepping in for this Angry Ward guy. I’d be particularly upset if anyone were to refer to me as a scab. As that lovely gal Cher once said, “words are like weapons, they wound sometimes.” And it goes without saying that giant inflatable rats would scare everyone in Terre Haute stupid. So hopefully it doesn’t come to that. OK, let’s get back to sports.
Replacement Refs Rule! I don’t know why everyone is so down in the mouth about the swell bunch of guys currently officiating NFL games. They’re just regular Joes like you and me. They do things like ride the bus, feed their livestock, and comb the want ads. Sure they’ve done things like granted extra timeouts and challenges and miss-spotted the ball more than the great Ray Charles ever could, but I think the NFL needed to go a little rogue in the officiating department. As for this past Monday night’s game, it was easily the most entertaining ending to one of those contests in the history of that program. Tell me, what’s so bad about that?
Baseball. The baseball season is winding down and soon the playoffs will begin, so I’m told. There are no professional baseball clubs in Indiana and my town borders on Illinois, so I could be a Cubs fan if I so chose. I decided against that though, which my mom says was the smartest thing I did since I founded the Kiss Army right here in Terre Haute (look it up!). It’s not that I don’t like baseball, it’s just that it kinda coincides with horseshoe season and I’ll never leave my first love. That being said, it has come to my attention that New York Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey will try to win his 20th game tomorrow, and I wish him all the luck in the world. I guess it’s worth mentioning that our local library burned a whole bunch of copies of his book because they found his surname a tad offensive.
NHL Lockout. I’m not gonna pretend that I know what the NHL is, but I have never been too fond of the word “lockout.” We’ve had people in my hometown locked out of mills and mines and even bars, and its never been a pleasant experience. Currently my Aunt May has locked out my Uncle Elmer for going on two weeks now. I just hope that everyone can settle their differences.
College Sports. While Indiana doesn’t make too many college football headlines, we have a very proud history when it comes to basketball. In fact, my own family gained some notoriety back in the 70s when Bobby Knight punched my grandmother in the back of the head after she suggested that his red sweater was a magnet for dandruff. Maybe he was having a bad day but I think we’re better off without him. Our real star was Larry Bird who went to school right here in Terre Haute at Indiana State. A lot of people don’t know this but that school used to be called Indiana State Normal School until Bird got here. There was really nothing normal about him so the state legislature made them change the name.
Horseshoes. Not so fast. You’re going to have to visit my site if you want to read about this. No free previews.
I’m not too sure who is writing here tomorrow, but I bet they are awful nice. As Mayor Duke Bennett would say, I hope you’ll have me back again.