Yankees Will Miss The Playoffs, Tebow Will Knock Somebody Up, Dickey Wins 20 & Other Bold Predictions

The Yankees will miss the playoffs.

BALTIMORE, MD – You heard it first, right here from the Orson Wells of MTM. There’s a War of The Worlds thing happening in  sports…  The A’s and Orioles will make the playoffs. Bobby Valentine will not lose his job.  R.A. Dickey will be a 20-game winner.  I can’t even believe I am saying all this… and yet it is all very true.  I know that Nostradamus and The Mayans were predicting the end of the world this year and I guess  baseball was the first thing to go off the deep end.  If the sports world continues to follow suit the following are all shoe in events.

The Bounty Players Will Play: Don’t you wish that your job had the characteristics of a defensive lineman?  I mean your sole existence it to chop some poor guys head off.  I personally think the bounty’s were genius.  I consider it incentive-based income.  Hey, why not give a little bonus to the guy who is doing what everyone wants him to do anyways?

The NHL Will Not Have A Season:  as much as it pains me to say this hockey could be doomed.  The owners want to drive off a cliff and Mr. Fehr is just stepping on the gas banking on his chicken bet wont kill everyone.  There belligerent fools need to realize that the NHL is finally gaining market share of viewership and the best way to set the sport back a decade is to have another lockout.  Sure, Cheesy Bruin and I will be going to the local rink and slamming brews while watching the local Pee Wee Leagues just to get our fix, but those fans out there that have never put on skates before will be back in David Stern’s pocket before the season even starts.

Grizzlies Beat Nets In Eastern Conference Finals:  That’s right Jay-Z, you ain’t got shingles on Justin Timberlake in the novelty ownership series.  The Grizzlies will clinch on the road and then they will all go to Southern Comfort on ninth to eat corn bread and watch every woman aged 14-40 take their tops off for the Mickey Mouser that owns the place.

The Rams Will Make The playoffs: All of a sudden listening to my Rams (that game wasn’t broadcast anywhere… I mean anywhere) lose on a last-second drive to the offensively-stacked lions has given me hope.  I’m on the Fisher Train, which we all know is a straight shot to 8-8 which in the NFC is going to be good enough to sneak into the last wild card slot.

Tim Tebow Will Impregnate Out Of Wedlock:  Now, we all know that he will immediately claim that he is a descendant of God and that God put his sperm there, but his story wont work considering that athletes like Melky, Bonds, Clemens, and now Lance Armstrong have burned out ability to believe.

Antonio Cromartie Will Impregnate in Wedlock: That’s right. Somewhere there is a skank crazy enough to get last in line for that payout.  He might as well start a foundation in his name … Call it Tony’s Kids. It’ll dwarf Jerry Lewis’ organization in no time.

Cookie Will Entertain You Tomorrow: This may be the only prediction I get right… and I still might get it wrong.

Leave your predictions below and make sure you check out the nearly-naked Lori Levine, today.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.