Angry Ward Wednesday: Halloween Sports Horrors

“New York City is still recovering from its biggest power outage since the Yankees got swept by Detroit in the ALCS.”

Sand McNally’s Guide to Brazil

ATLANTIS (aka: NEW YORK, NY) – Today is Halloween, and if you live in the Northeast you may still be experiencing Sandy nightmares, which are nothing like sandy dreams. Although by no means the only area affected by Hurricane Sandy, New York City is still recovering from its biggest power outage since the Yankees got swept by Detroit in the ALCS.

Much of New York’s Mass Transit System is 20,000 leagues beneath Robinson Cano’s playoff batting average. More wood hit cars in the Bronx Monday night than the Yankees laid on baseballs in September and October combined. (Hot-cha! I’m on a roll!) Anyway, you get the picture, it’s a shitty mess in these parts, but persevere we must. Again, it’s Halloween and there’s plenty of spooky stuff to discuss. How about Halloween Sports Horrors?

He Got Lame. Defending NBA champs the Miami Heat helped kick off yet another mind-numbing NBA season last night by hosting the Boston Celtics. The added wrinkle to this contest was that Ray Allen left the Celts to play for King LeBron’s South Beach Sluts Gone Wild for half the money because it meant the chance for more jewelry… which is extra slutty. Allen’s former club is reportedly pissed that the now 37-year-old has taken his geriatric talents to God’s Waiting Room, which seems like the perfect place for him. Anyway, there will be ample opportunities to tune in for more episodes of The Walking Dead all season long.

NFLPU!

Boo! Aside from being something that you hear every Halloween and Mark Sanchez hears most every day, “Boo” is a word that will be reverberating nationwide on Thursday night as the NFL Network brings you the 1-6 Kansas City Chiefs visiting the 3-4 San Diego Chargers. I was rightly taken to task here last week for admitting that I ordered the NFL Network through dreaded Cablevision, which is one thing that I actually wished Sandy would have obliterated. But I intend to make up for my mistake today by taking Grote2DMax’s advice and canceling this error while also taking a tip from AZ2FL by berating the cable company for even charging me for this abomination in the first place. Will let ya know how it goes.

I dare them to f*ck with me.
http://youtu.be/P5VrNznDW9M

Masked Men. Trick or Treaters aren’t the only ones dressing up as something they ain’t today. The Atlanta Falcons are by no means the best team in the NFL. In fact, despite their 7-0 record, I’d be shocked if they weren’t one and done come playoff time. On the other side of the spectrum, the Dolphins are anything but dead fish. Next to the Texans they may be the only team in the AFC who can play defense. The best idea for the Jets, meantime, would be to graft Mark Sanchez’s head onto Tim Tebow’s body and call it “The Thing with Two Jets.” Sanchez can scan the stands for underage hotties while Tebow goes through his progressions looking for God, then God, then God, then an open receiver. For once Jets fans would be rendered speechless, which would be the best thing for everyone.

Candy Everybody Wants. It’s Halloween so a little reminder about what kinda candy you want to be handing out. Here goes: Snickers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Twix, Snickers, Nestle’s Crunch, Snickers, Baby Ruth, Snickers, the underrated Mr. Goodbar, and Snickers. No York Peppermint Patties permitted, whatsoever. Same goes for frogging candy corn. If the kids at your door have a problem with the peanut-heavy menu, tell ’em to hit the bricks. Permitted sports-related costumes for the evening are John Candelaria, Candy Maldonado, and even John Candy, for the gents. For the ladies it’s renowned stripper Candy Cantaloupes and former ’70s Playboy Playmate Candy Loving.

Candy Loving Goes Bowling

Hope this finds all with power restored and waters and anger subsiding. I’ll carry the torch for the latter, don’t you worry. Come back tomorrow for the Cam James Wet t-shirt contest.

 

 

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About Angry Ward 648 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.