Angry Ward Wednesday: Kiddie Terminology for when Athletes Act Like Babies

Bri and Rog: Pals 4 life

NEW YORK, NY – Gonna have to keep this one short and sweet today, just like my daughter… although, if we’re being completely honest here, she seems to have some of her Dad’s anger issues from time to time. There’s no getting around those pesky genetics, I suppose. Anyway, speaking of the kid, she’s really been coming into her own these past few months. Those innocent days of infancy are way in the rear-view mirror and even toddlerdom seems like it will soon be a fleeting memory. During this time span my entire vocabulary has been overhauled, as I traded in F-bombs for things like “What size is a T3?” The good news is, I found out that many of the new words and terminology I picked up along the way can easily be applied to sports for when athletes act like babies, which is helpful for tasks such as these. Here’s just a sample.

Booster seat. Where Roger Clemens preferred to have Brian McNamee give him his booster shots.

The Great Dictator

Pull-ups. What Tony Romo, Mark Sanchez, and Kevin Kolb have to wear until they’re ready for their big boy pants.

Bad sharer. Gary Bettman.

Go Potty. What most NBA players go in the offseason when certain types of testing aren’t as strict.

Choking hazard. The St. Louis Cardinals when they went up three games to one on the San Francisco Giants. Also, most likely, my throat the next time Cam James sees me.

Au pair. Kate Upton’s top shelf.

Kate and the Girls

Spoiled brat. Any tailgate bratwurst that rolls off the grill, onto the ground, and under the car.

Pre-K. The perfect description for Curtis Granderson when he’s waiting in the on-deck circle.

Fine motor skills. Nascar/Formula 1 driver prerequisite.

Gross motor skills. Jim Leyritz, David Diehl, Nick Fairley, Justin Blackmon, and any other current or former athlete who gets behind the wheel drunk.

Peanut allergy. A strong aversion to getting peed on by some nut attending a Philadephia-based sporting event.

Juice pouches. Any of those empty sacks of skin where A-Rod’s muscles used to be.

Onesie. A Canadian Football League rouge.

Crocs. Pretty much everything that comes out of Lance Armstrong’s mouth.

Sir Liesalot

Colicky. How you feel after listening to two minutes of ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd.

Bath time. What happens when you pick against Cheesy Bruin’s Sunday NFL selections here on MTM.

Speaking of bath time, looks like it’s around that hour. Check back tomorrow for Lori Levine and Cam James – who loves Baby Talk – tomorrow.





Share Button
About Angry Ward 751 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.