A TREE-STAND IN BROOKLYN – I love turkey. I love it sooooo much i could marry it. Turkey is the ultimate food. It makes sandwiches. It makes pies. It makes sausage and bacon. It makes stew. And to top it all off, 90% of turkeys look like Abe Vigoda. There isn’t one person in this country that hasn’t dreamed about shooting Abe Vigoda.
I’d shoot Vigoda in a car.
I’d shoot Vigoda in a bar.
I’d shoot Vigoda on the road.
I’d shoot him dead until the body is cold.
I love turkey so much…
Well you get the picture.
That is why this day is so frogging great. What am I going to do today? I am going to eat turkey, drink booze, and take a nap. I am sold. Greatest holiday of the year. Wait! I was supposed to be talking about turkeys. Yeah, turkeys. So I wanted to run down the biggest turkeys of 2012. Ima bout to go HAM on these Vigodas.
Top turkey #1: Tom Brady… For being a tom turkey you are the most despicable turkey of 2012. My reason’s include that you suck and you are the only guy named Tom I could thing of other than Tom Selleck. Oh. no no. Tom Arnold. That’s right turkey Tom Brady. You are football’s McHale’s Navy. You frogged Roseanne. You Tom Brady are Tom Arnold.
Top Turkey #8: Rex Ryan… How the heck do you manage to become a bigger turkey while losing so much weight? Usually the goose is cooked when its fat. You Rex are in the unlucky ten percent of turkeys not lucky enough to look like Abe Vigoda. You are a far worse turkey. You are are like the following turkey who should be cast as the killer in the next saw movie.
Top Turkey #4: AROD… If you really were a turkey no one would want to eat you. Didn’t you know that people don’t want turkey shot up with chemicals anymore. We want natural turkey not turkey on performance enhancing drugs.
Top Turkey #3 Mike Brown. You are the turkey so crappy that somebody opened up and they felt so compelled to get rid of you that they returned you the store for a D’Antoni Turkey. We all have tasted D’Antoni turkey before and i didn’t personally like it very much.
Top Turkey #2: NHL & Gary Bettman… you are the ultra Tom Turkey of 2012. You are such a fat frogging frogger and I don’t like you. How about them apples.
Bottom Turkey #3: Kaz Matsui… that one year that he tore his bum.
Have a good Thanksgiving, Meet The Matts… and to all a good Turkey Slap.
P.s… Make sure you check out Lori Levine’s column today. It’s more traditional stuff-ing. Also, evidently before I edited this, Short Matt appraised me of the fact that I had indeed found the line where something isn’t even publishable on the MTM. Sometimes I even amaze myself. And the photo is of Last Year’s Turkeys.