NEW YORK, NY – I’m back home in The Bronx this week for the holidays. The beauty of being half-a-Jew is that I get the time off but I don’t have to mess around with all that gift-giving mishegoss. But I know how you goyem love to max out your credit cards buying each other sweaters and aroma therapy candles. So if you feel like doing a little last minute shopping today, here’s what you can get the members of the MTM staff… okay, we’re not Sports Celebs…
Cheesy Bruin: A Wheelbarrow. Or some other large vessel into which he can deposit all his cash after posting a blistering season of NFL picks against the spread. If you can’t fight your way through the Home Despot [NOTE: intentionally misspelled] for that one, then a good alternative would be an Extinguisher because that boy on fiyo!
Grote2DMax: A Spoon. Like, totally gag him with one, what-Ever. Gawsh. But if you can’t stomach the though of him yakking, a good alternative would be A Rocking Chair so he can enjoy the comfort of his semi-retirement has he moves to a fluffy bi-weekly schedule for MTM.
Angry Ward: A Liver. Had drinks with the Angry One the other night. Pints, whiskeys, a glass of wine to finish it off. Nothing phased him. He’s an unstoppable drinking machine. Like Mickey Mantle, but with skinnier legs. However, if you don’t know anyone who can procure you a black market organ, then a good alternative would be Vice Grips. Maybe he could use them to unwrap himself from his little girl’s finger.
Lori Levine: Hugh Hefner’s Phone Number. I think we can all agree that it’s high time Lori’s talents reached a fuller audience. But if you don’t have the connections, then a good alternative would be My Phone Number. I’m only an audience of one, but no one appreciates fine talent as much as I do.
Cam James: A Camera. A guy named “Cam” should have a really nice camera. Plus, he’s enough of a derelict to start making low grade porn with it. If you’re afraid of the low grade porn CJ is apt to produce, then a good alternative would be High Quality Porn. And it’s okay if you give it to him slightly used.
West Coast Craig: A Plane Ticket Home. The guy’s been out in the wasteland for far too long. But if you can’t spare any extra airline miles, a good alternative would be Some Foodie Photos of NYC Pizza and Bagels. You know. Just to rub it in.
Cookie: A Couch. Enough with the marathons and triathlons already. It’s time for this tip-top shape girl to pull up some sofa and relax. But if you can’t find a nice suede model suitable for The Grande Dame of MTM, then a good alternative would be A Brazilian Bikini. The least she could do is trade all those -thons for some thongs.
Evan Achiron: A Name Tag. So I can recognize the new guy. But if you don’t have any leftover from your last conference at the Marriott in Nyack, then a good alternative would be A Death Threat. Sounds harsh, I know, but you’ll be doing the guy a huge favor in the long run if it has the effect of scaring him away from The Matts. Speaking of Matts . . .
Tall Matt: Flats. It’s not easy being tall and our man is a little self-conscious. Some nice flat-soled shoes will help his wounded self-esteem. But if you can’t find any in his size, then a good alternative would be High Heel Shoes. Time to bring out his inner tranny.
Short Matt: Money. And lots of it. So he can start paying us. If you’re broke, a good alternative would A Picture of Your Ass. Why? Why not.
Different Matt: A Blue Blazer. Isn’t it about time this Matt got a proper uniform. But if the Men’s Wearehouse at Citi Shea Stadium is closed, a good alternative would be A Clown Nose. People will know he’s a Matt that way, even without the costume.
Me: My Foreskin. As the resident half-Jew, it’s the least you could do for me in the spirit of Noel. But if you can’t find it, or even a reasonable construction paper facsimile, a good alternative would be Cam James’ Low Grad Porn. You gotta have standards. You do. Not me.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
