NEW YORK, NY – The senseless void that befalls us in the sports world at this juncture has led yours truly to a crossroads of apathy and anger. Between the gross negligence of the NHL, the indifference I feel toward the NBA and the passive transition between MLB’s winter meetings and the pitchers/catchers reporting date, I am left speechless. Quite literally, I could write five hundred words about anything except sports right now. The sole light at the end of the tunnel lies in the hopes that my Rams win out and somehow steal a playoff spot from the Bears or Seahawks. The apathy I feel is so deep that this column was nearly written about English Premier League Football.
Two hours later…
Just awoke from the gin-induced coma that produced the previous paragraph and I realized that the depression that has become of my sports world is not unique. It is merely a sign of the apocalypse. After all, we are all going to die in eight days. So considering that we all have barely more than a week to live I figured I would run down the things I would like to see happen in sports before I die eight days from now in my Sports Fan’s End Of World Wish List.
1) Pete Rose should be inducted into the hall of fame. Period. The man was the greatest hitter in the history of the game. Period. He never cheated the game the way than any steroid user did. He never altered his play and he never bet against his own team. Charlie Hustle may have been a suspect human being but he was the best baseball player to ever cross the white lines.
2) Paquiao vs Maryweather: This should have happened years ago. I know what we saw from Paquiao this past weekend was not what anyone expected but we all watched his career blossom and the fact that this fight never happened was due to cowardice from both sides. Neither of them wanted to fight because at the inception of the potential fight’s hype, neither one had an answer for one another.
3) The 2002 BCS national title for Ohio State would be overturned and given to Miami. For those of you that remember that game, the absolutely purchased pass interference call in the end zone was the most atrocious call a referee has ever made at a decisive moment during a football game.
4) Bill Belichik and the entire Blue Jays franchise would be forced to give up their search and seizure rights so that the rest of the world could see the ridiculous amount of illegal video tape that they have compiled on opponents in order to steal Super Bowls, and, in the case of the Blue Jays, to stay relevant.
5) Short Matt (or Tall Matt?) will relieve me of my writing duties for next week as I want to cherish my second to last day on earth. If you read this far I will give you a cigar. There are some things I revel in and one of those things is making the man squirm. In this case I’m referring to a short Irishman that won’t have a chance to edit this column before it gets published because he is out at boxers with Rugby buddies.
6) I want to see Ken Griffey and Ken Griffey Jr. hit back to back home runs again like its 1990.
7) I want to see Carl Edwards win a Winston Cup Championship. That’s right, I said Winston Cup. It isn’t Nextel Cup or Sprint Cup… its Winston Cup. Carl Edwards is Columbia Missourah’s finest. I should know. We went to the same high school.
8) I want to watch a Hockey Game that occurs in this country. Hopefully it’s a Blues game but at this point I would settle for an Atlanta Thrashers vs Carolina Hurricanes Replay from seven years ago.
9) I want to watch present day Michael Jordan tear 24-yearold Kobe in a game of one on one.
11) I want to see Babe Ruth look like a fool swinging a forty ounce bat against Justin Verlander.
The above notwithstanding, I would give up all these vicarious selfish requests just so that the aliens that show up eight days from now don’t look like Fran Drescher.
Tune in for Cookie, tomorrow.