I’ve asked my buddy, NY Giants GM Fake Jerry Reese, to sit in for me this week. I hope you’ll make FJR feel welcome in my absence as he’ll be regaling us in the first person. Thank you, –Fake Sandy Alderson
GIANTS STADIUM – After the 2011 season, which was our last Super Bowl year, I decided that our team had too much heart, so I chose to let Brandon Jacobs walk out the door. When the draft rolled around, I really liked Doug Martin, but not enough to actually do anything about it, so I sat back and watched the Buccaneers swipe him one pick before ours. I could have traded a pick to move up 2 spots. Or a player. Or something that would have approximated some effort on my part, but I was tired from reading my press clippings all year. Yeah, I know—Martin is already a stud. That didn’t translate well for us in 2012 as we missed the playoffs again. Oh, and I also wasted a few more draft picks in 2012 like Jayron Hosley, but more on that in a moment.
After the debacle that was the ’12 season, I really felt like I had to put my stamp on this team. If Brandon Jacobs was the heart of the Giants, then Ahmad Bradshaw was the soul, the guts, the toughness of this team. Not to mention the best blocking back in the league. I knew all this, but I let him leave as well. I thought David Wilson could do Flips like Geraldine and run a 4.2 in the 40. I wasn’t sure of his ability to hold on to the ball, or to block so much as an artery. But I figured what the hell. Let’s give him the starting RB job and hope for the best. I felt no need to sign a veteran back. I drafted Marvin Austin, a bust in the 2nd round two years ago, so I spent all Summer chasing every fat Defensive Tackle I could and hoped that no one would notice that my drafting has been terrible since 2008 and that I have no idea how to bring in Linebackers who can play. So when Wilson flipped out on Sunday night and coughed up the ball twice in critical situations, allowed my QB to get pummeled due to his inability to block anyone, and generally sucked the wind out of our sails, I was compelled to do something. I won’t say this out loud, but Wilson should ride the pine the rest of the season. He fumbles as much as Tiki did, but without leaving his pregnant wife or badmouthing the Coach or Quarterback.
So I called a bunch of agents and am bringing in a bunch of has-been backs for tryouts today and I’ll see if any of them can block better than Flip. It’s all Tom’s fault anyway. He didn’t prepare these guys well for the first game. Everyone was out of sync and looked clueless. But that ain’t on me. Tom’s too friggin’ old.
Anyway, Curtis Painter got the backup QB job because he went to prep school in New Orleans with Eli. I still don’t know how to draft or sign a linebacker, and I’m now stuck with patching together a backfield with spit, glue, and maybe Willis McGahee. Justin Tuck played fairly hard on Sunday for the first time since his days at Notre Dame. JPP is now officially overrated, and Chris Snee was a nice story once upon a time when he knocked-up Tom Coughlin’s daughter at Boston College, but now hasn’t been very good for a couple of years.
On the bright side, Antrel Rolle has been a beast and is the leader of this defense, which makes his return next season dubious. This is a tough town, and after winning the Super Bowl twice, I thought I could live off those accolades forever. Whatever, we’re sold out for the next 28 years, so I’m good. We’re printing money out here in “the swamps.”
Angry Ward, whose Vikings and Mets have left him to Ponder and question what is Wright, tomorrow.