Breaking Brady: Tom’s Unseen Facebook Draft

" I'm Tom F'ing Brady"

FOXBORO, MA –  Tom Brady’s statement on Facebook reacting to the NFL’s decision to uphold its four game suspension has certainly been garnering attention. I have obtained this first prevaricated draft from his maid. Here it is”

" I'm Tom F'ing Brady"
” I’m Tom F’ing Brady”

“I’m pissed off that the NFL had the balls to suspend me. I’m F’ing Tom Brady – who can do no wrong – and neither can the Patriots! 

Despite wasting my valuable time listening to the league’s flunkies and all their blah, blah, blah,  F’ing Roger Goodell kicked me in the b*lls.  That’s right,  I was generally aware of  this BS. Fact is, the ball boy does whatever Tom says… see. I’m the friggin shot-caller, see! Mr. Kraft assured me that Goodell was ” in his pocket” but he screwed it all up !”

Hillary Clinton told me to dump the friggin Samsung to destroy the evidence because it works for her.  After all, if they ain’t got any proof, they can’t touch me! Thanks B*tch.

" listen to what I say, Tom"
” Listen to what I say, Tom.”

My lawyer Don “Jackie Chiles” Yee told the NFL b*tches that my phone was off friggin limits and if Ted Wells didn’t like it, he could kiss my ass.

More importantly, I have never written, texted, emailed to anybody, anything related to air pressure before this issue was raised at the AFC Championship game as we crushed the Colts and that friggin Geico Ape Man , Andrew Luck.  To think that I needed to text the ball boy instructions is total horsesh*t . That little bastard works for me and knows what to do. No need to text.

To try to placate Mr. Wells,  we called my phone provider to (wink) retrieve all my phone records. Since I switched to the Apple I Phone 6 ,  they ” lost” all my data. Sh*t, they even lost my damn contacts. There is NO SMOKING GUN because I’m Tom F’ing Brady and I don’t even smoke! Still reading? Of course you are! I’m Tom F”ing Braday!

I authorized the NFLPA to make a settlement offer to the NFL to put this happy horsesh*t behind us, so I could get back to DOMINATING the NFL, but NOOO, they dare to F with TOM BRADY!

While I (don’t) respect the Commissioner’s authority, he works for Mr. Kraft… he’s a (overpaid) BI*TCH!

"Your not sitting in my box anymore"
“Your not sitting in my box anymore”

Lastly, I am overwhelmed by the support by my family, friends and the delusional fan base, who kiss my balls, deflated or otherwise. I look forward to conniving with Coach Evil and my teammates to win any way possible again this season. I’m out!

And that, Ladies and Germs, is the prevaricated draft of Tom Brady of Facebook. Chime in with your thoughts and come back tomorrow when we report some more disappointing news on the METS trade deadline inactivity.

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About GrindingAx 135 Articles
"Grinding Ax" Walter Hynes (GAW) comes from the same Sports Royalty bloodlines as Short Matt... He's heaving hatchets off the heads of any deserving Sports Personalities... His favorite teams are the NY Rangers, Detroit Tigers, Dallas Cowboys, NY Jets and Manchester United... A suburban husband and father of two, Walter understands what it takes to be a second-guessing, sideline-heckling parent and coach.