Mets’ Sandy Alderson Faints! Martha Ford Rants! And Van Halen Still Rocks!

NoriBack in 1989, the U.S. Army needed to “coax” nominal “General” Manuel Noriega out of hiding. Seems ‘ole Nori had taken political refuge and set up shop in the Vatican Embassy down in Panama. Needing to “smoke” the shit-head out, Army “Intelligence” decided to blare Van Halen at ear crushing decibels to force the dictator to give up. Presumably, “Panama” was played over and over and Nori’s ears bled enough for him to surrender.

One of my kids was home sick and out of school this week, and as I was working from home, it kind of worked out. For three days this week, I had him hunker down in front of the TV and the “worldwide leader” formerly known as ESPN. Specifically, I had him watch “First Take,” the televised cockfight between hens Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith.  The forced and fabricated “debates” of these two unlikable idiots drove me nuts.                                                                                                                                                            first-take-fight-stephen-a-smith-skip-bayless-628x345

I had a very early meeting on Thursday morning that had me out of the house by 4:45am. I returned home from my meeting at about 10:00 that same morning, and walked in to check on how my son was doing. To my surprise, it seemed that he had been feeling better that morning-or at least good enough to go back to school. I had “Noriega’d” my kid. My weapon of choice was relentless idiocy as only Smith & Bayless can deliver.  Suddenly studying the maps of ancient Mesopotamia didn’t seem so bad.

Some quick hits:

Little Miss Sunshine and enthusiastic antisemite
Little Miss Sunshine and enthusiastic antisemite

Did you catch Martha Ford, the Detroit Lions’ owner giving the team statement in which she announced mass firings? Things were easier for our gal Martha when she was allowed to own slaves and blame Jews for everything like her Grampa always did.

Mets GM Real Sandy Alderson fainted at his press conference wrapping up their season early this week. In other Mets news, Jeffy Wilpon was seen pouring tap water into empty bottles of Perrier earlier that day.

Ryan Fitzpatrick’s announcement that he WILL play this Sunday resulted in Vegas giving the Jets an 8 point bump! An 8 point line move for Ryan Fitzpatrick! Noodle on that one a moment and let me know when the former Harvard QB turned into Joe Montana.

The Islanders’ inaugural season in Brooklyn has already seen its honeymoon period pass. 40% of the seats have obstructed views. Brooklyn hipsters aren’t taking to the puck as had been hoped. And Long Islanders are taking the LIRR to Barclays Center in smatterings-not droves. They’ll be back on LI by 2017.

Come back tomorrow for more hilarity including the coming apocalypse.

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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake