NEW YORK, NY – So tonight the team built from blooper bins and incredibly sad yard sales and, yes, dumpster diving–the New York Mets–take on the San Francisco Giants out in Flushing. It’s Madison Bumgarner vs. Noah Syndergaard, in a win-and-you’re-in/lose-and-you’re-free-to-celebrate-holidays-with-the-Jews type scenario. Tensions are running high in the Metropolitan area as New Yorkers everywhere are cancelling their super-cool Wednesday night plans (it’s the new Thursday!) to watch the Mets, and Short Matt tries for the umpteenth time this year to score free tickets in exchange for promising to not text someone for the rest of his life. A fair trade if ever there was one. For those of you going to the game or tuning in to cheer on the Metropolitans, here’s a handy guide on how to survive the game.
Hydrate Early and Often. This game promises to be a nail-biter, so don’t forget to drink plenty of liquids while you’re sweating it out. Start with some pregame water, then quickly move on to your beer, wine, or other low-alcohol libation of choice, for those early innings when there’s still hope on both sides. Around the 5th, feel free to switch over to Old Fashioneds, Gin Rickeys, or some other cocktail of choice–you’ve earned it. Most importantly, save the high-octane stuff (Rye, Scotch, 151 Rum, Rubbing Alcohol, Hairnet) for the later innings when Terry Collins starts over-managing and asking Familia to get 5 outs rather than 3. Finally, save yourself a solid glass of bourbon (the brownest of the brown liquors) for one last glug, win or lose.
Don’t Run on the Field to Shake Angel Pagan’s Hand. He doesn’t like it. Seriously. Even if you’re a fan and don’t know why the Mets ever traded him to the Giants for Andres Torres and want to tell him all of this and give him a slap on the back… don’t do it. He will PUT YOU DOWN. If you’re at the game stay in your seat and don’t attempt to make physical contact. But feel free to stare at Bumgarner all you want. He loves that sh!t; just ask Yasiel Puig!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPjBgD0XetY
Howl at the Moon. This could be the last game of the year so, by all means, don’t hold back! If you’re at the game tell Denard Span that he’s the worst span you’ve seen since the Tappan Zee. Scream at your television until your whiny neighbors, who are far more annoying than you, complain. When they gingerly knock on your door, greet them with a pie to the face followed by seltzer spray from one of those old-timey bottles. Just watch the game on your own terms and don’t let anyone get in the way of that… family included. If the Mets happen to lose, go out a plaster a bunch Mets bumper stickers on cars that clearly support the Yankees. A good friend says it’s very therapeutic.
Say a Prayer for Fake Sandy Alderson. Or maybe even say a prayer to Fake Sandy Alderson. I happen to agree with our own Sam’s-a-Fan/Fluffy the Narwahl that our good friend and contributor Big Al Sternberg (Fake Sandy), who passed away late this summer, is somehow guiding this improbable Mets run. I haven’t felt this strongly about something since last year when I was sure their equally-improbable World Series run was due to Short Matt being out of the country and was dashed upon his return. Anyway, think of our old compadre as the Mets try to win this thing.
It’s OK to Think About How Great it Would Be to Face the Cubs. Mets fans are pretty much pre-programmed to be fatalistic. But just this once, allow yourselves to hope that we get to meet the Cubs for the second year in a row. To paraphrase our old contributor Grote2DMax, this Mets team is as unpredictable as Donald Trump in a Middle Eastern whorehouse. To see the Mets face and vanquish the Cubs once more would be fairly hilarious. Hope is a good thing. For once, let’s hope.
Enjoy the Game. The Mets have no business playing a postseason game this year. Do all of the above and have a great time!
Come back tomorrow for my new mainish cheese danish, Buddy Diaz. The kid’s got game.
