Big Ben Tuesday: Elephant Crushes Hunter in Zimbabwe, Tebow and the Trials of Job, and a Motivated Ereck Flowers

Pay attention Oscar voters

Zimbabwe, Africa: There’s not much inspiration in New York sports lately. The Yankees are fun, but they’ve been well covered on these pages. Even making fun of the Mets is getting old, it’s like picking on the stupid kid. So let’s mix it up a little. F it Dude, let’s go bowling.

Karma is a Dead Elephant

South African big game hunter Theunis Botha was known for shooting leopards, lions, giraffes, and buffalo. Botha also used hounds to drive animals into the waiting cross hairs of hunters who paid him. What a great champion of the sporting world!

I pity the fool who underestimates the Fireflies!

Botha was in Zimbabwe when he accidentally led a hunting group into a mating herd of elephants. ‘”Er, I think I made a wrong turn at that pack of Wallabies, mates.” The elephants charged the group and Botha fired on them. An elephant picked up Botha with his trunk and prepared to smash him, but the elephant was shot and killed by another hunter. The dying animal collapsed right on top of Botha, crushing him to death. Clean up in Aisle 5. Ah, cosmic justice.

Tim Tebow, the Modern Day Job

But if there were a God out there, dispensing cosmic justice, why does Tim Tebow continue to suck at sports? Sure, he won a playoff game in NFL, but then he couldn’t even get snaps on the Jets or the Eagles. I know those teams were loaded with hall of fame QBs at the time, but still.

Tebow’s next career move?

He’s currently hitting about .230 for the Mets A team (batting right after B.A. Baracus), the Columbia Fireflies. If you’re on a team named after an insect, it’s safe to say you’re a few steps from the majors. Is there a lower rung in professional baseball than single A for the Mets? That’s like a tiny step up from men’s league. I understand that God is putting Tebow through the ultimate test of faith, like Job, but shouldn’t he have thrown him some kind of a bone by now? (A side note for the non-believers out there – the biblical “Job” is pronounced as it if rhymes with “robe” and is not pronounced like the thing that comes after the words “blow” or “hand”.)

I think there’s a chance that the Mets get so bad that they bring him up this season for a little publicity. I for one and hoping that’s His plan.

Pay attention Oscar voters

Flowers Power

Speaking of divine intervention, it would take a minor miracle for Ereck Flowers to become a dependable left tackle. But word is he didn’t leave East Rutherford the entire off-season. He was spotted in the complex working his ass off in a daily basis and is reportedly leaner. Flowers did not even make one quick trip down to his home in Florida, supposedly.

This news perked up my eyebrows. Strong motivation can make up for a talent deficit. Jerry Rice was not the most talented athlete coming out of the football powerhouse, Mississippi Valley State. But his legendary workouts and full out effort practice habits turned him into best football player who ever lived. That is not-debatable. Larry Bird was known to be on the floor of the Boston Garden more than two hours before tip off to shoot more than 300 practice shots. Motivation is powerful, there are even some posters about it. If the Giants O-line can come together, with their defense, this team is a contender.

Thank You Lord
While we’re talking God, I just found out there is a new Baywatch movie with The Rock in it. Hallelujah.

That’ll do it for me. Come back tomorrow for the God of Cheap Beer and Bad Puns, Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About Ben Whitney 416 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.