Big Ben Tuesday: 3 Brutal NFL Storylines to Make me Take up Golf on Sundays

Tomatoes are evil

Stamford, CT: Happy Labor Day y’all. I am tempted to write about the Yankee Steamroller picking up steam and getting ready to roll into the playoffs. You know, besides getting bludgeoned by Cleveland. But it’s after Labor Day, so no wearing white and it’s time to talk some football. So far the biggest storylines have been brutal. Here are three I hope go away soon.

Tomatoes are evil

Tom Brady is 40

In case you haven’t heard, Tom Brady is 40. Father Time is undefeated but Brady is trying to stay on his feet into the later rounds. As a fellow athlete trying to compete against younger men, respect. (Did I just compare myself to Tom Brady?) But if I have to hear about him not eating nightshades and his super special trainer and his muscle pliability training, I may jam forks into my eyes and pull off my ears with pliers.

It is curious they traded third stringer Jacoby Brissett with Jimmy Garoppolo headed for free agency after the season. What happens if Brady has a Brady year? Do they let Jimmy G walk? Would they franchise tag a backup QB? They wouldn’t let Brady go, would they? I hate those cheating bastards but I’d have some grudging respect if Brady and Bill Belichick retired together. And then were never heard from again.

The Zeke Situation

I’d rather give myself 1,ooo paper cuts on my balls and then jump into a pool of rubbing alcohol than hear anymore about this story. It’s the NFL’s worst nightmare, a no-win situation. If they cave it looks like they’re continuing to be soft on domestic violence. If they go hard they run the risk of another Brady situation where Roger Goodell ends up looking like he abused his power. Domestic violence is serious business but sort this out already. Either way, Zeke had better hope he misses the G-men in week 1.

Not again

National Anthem Kneeling

In the latest episode of Cops Behaving Badly, we had an undercover cop try to illegally browbeat a nurse into giving a blood test, and a cop pulling a gun on a motorcyclist for no damn reason. I have no doubt that the majority of cops are good people just trying to do their jobs. But that majority might be shrinking. As a friend pointed out, it’s not a coincidence that all these incidents of police misconduct dramatically increased at the same time as smartphones. You have to admit, this is way too common these days. And judging by the KKK and Nazi scumbags coming out of the sewers lately, I’d say it’s pretty safe to assume minorities generally have more to fear. Might Colin Kaepernick have a point?

And if you disagree with all of that, it’s a peaceful protest that hurts exactly no one. Why not just disagree with respect and move on. And please don’t try to say it’s about his ability. He is better than any QB on the Jets, Jaguars, and Broncos, among others. This is getting out of hand.

If this crap keeps up, I may have to spend Sundays with my family! Send hate mail to Short Matt, c/o the Drunk Tank. And come back tomorrow for the one and only Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About Ben Whitney 414 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.