Angry Ward: Your Baseball Team’s New Pandemic Name

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BRONX, NY – You know what I really love about writing these posts for this site; I mean besides the great pay, travel, and benefits? I love these opening paragraphs, where you just try to throw in enough words so that the “meat” of your article doesn’t appear in those few “preview” lines on the homepage before you click the “continue reading” link. I’m sorta doing that right now. Just biding my time with yet another wasteful sentence or two. That should just about do it.

As baseball looks to restart later this month, some players like Mike Trout and Kris Bryant question whether the league is prepared for COVID Ball. While others, the Braves’ Nick Markakis being the latest, have chosen to opt out. Given the current climate, the time seems right to rename all the teams something more pandemic-appropriate. Think of the the new merchandise you can sell! Here are your new teams.

Boston Bubble Boys. Baseball will not be played in a bubble, but that shouldn’t stop us from thinking about it. Besides, Boston fans kinda sound like Bubble Boy from Seinfeld.

Philadelphia Faucis. Cue the Elton John… “Philadelphia Faucis, shine on me, I love ya, shine the light, through the eyes of the one left behind!”

Seattle Six-Feeters. Don’t worry, Seattle will finish a safe distance from first place in the AL West.

Milwaukee Bar-Closures. The Brew Crew needed a suds break anyway.

Atlanta Raves. This is funny because no one goes to baseball games in Atlanta.

New York Maskipolitans. Meet the Masks! I swear I wrote this line and the very next day the New York Daily News had it on their back page. I could’ve made something of my life.

Houston Vaccine. The Astros are in desperate need of an image makeover, if not full-on witness protection program assistance. This name will at least get them a little goodwill.

Chicago Curbside-Pickups. Cubbies become the Curbies. Done.

Detroit Ventilators. Auto industry went into ventilator production, so this one seemed like a natural.

Colorado Contact Tracers. What? It’s better than Rockies!

Toronto Travel Bans. Canada doesn’t want baseball to resume. Can you blame them?

Los Angeles Antibodies of Anaheim. I know a bunch of people who got tested for antibodies, and every single one of them came back negative.

Miami Morticians. The area is a COVID hotspot and the team is DOA. You connect the dots.

New York Yuckies. Sorry, Bombers fans. Someone had to take the hit for NYC being the early epicenter for this thing. Also Jorge Posada liked to urinate on his hands, which is pretty yucky.

Oakland Outdoor Diners. I’m not hot to jump on the dining alfresco bandwagon just yet, unless we’re talking picnic. But have at it.

Angry_Ward, Meet_The_Matts, Ron DeSantis, Tampa Bay Ray, Bubble Boy, Seinfeld, Covid19, Kris Bryant, Mike Trout

Texas Science-Deniers. Remember the Alamo! Everything else is a hoax.

Cincinnati Clorox Wipes. The Big Clean Machine.

San Diego Swabs. This name is testing through the roof. Get it? There are also a lot of “swabbies” (naval personnel) in SD.

Chicago Quarantiners. Chi-Town’s Southside could stand to stay indoors and safe for a while.

Baltimore Crabs. Maryland is big on crustaceans, so they get to carry the mantle for all the irate people out there who feel like their rights are being infringed upon.

Tampa Bay Prays. You bet they do, especially with DeSantis running that state.

Pittsburgh Purells. I’m about ready to wash my hands of this post.

St. Louis COVIDiots. This is for Cam.

Kansas City Corona Kings. A little viral symmetry for “The Show-Me State.”

San Francisco Socially-Distants. The Summer of Love, it ain’t.

Minnesota Medical Professionals. Nod to the Mayo Clinic.

Los Angeles Hand-Washers. Sorry, Dodgers fans, we’ve hit rock bottom.

Cleveland Curve-Flatteners. Yet another team that needs a positive new identity.

Arizona A-Symptomatics. With or without fever, it’s a dry heat.

Washington Irrationals. We’ll leave it at that.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy “Don’t Touch Your Face” Diaz.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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