Angry Ward Wednesday: Bucks Suck, B’s and Isles Don’t, and MLB Pitchers are Stuck Up

Giannis Antetokounmpo, Brad Marchand, Steroids, Mike Budenholzer, Gerrit Cole, Jacob deGrom, Venus de Milo, Kevin Durant, Josh Donaldson, Meet-The-Matts, NHL, NBA

BRONX, NY – You know, a lot of times a week starts and, as I wait for my Wednesday slot to roll around, I wonder what sports stories, if any, will be left for me. This week I lucked out, with Ben Whitney going for a non-time-sensitive “overused announcer lingo” piece and Junoir Blaber all but burning the site to the ground with his nostalgic reminiscence of soccer in Ghana. Thanks, Lads! Let’s talk some sh!t.

The Milwaukee Bucks Suck. The series between the Brooklyn Nets and Milwaukee Bucks was being billed as “The Real NBA Finals,” and so far it’s looked more like The Harlem Globetrotters beating the holy hell out of the hapless Washington Generals. The Nets won Game 1 by 8, but it wasn’t that close, and just won Game 2 by 39! James Harden isn’t even playing and the rest of the Nets are barely breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, Milwaukee looks positively f**king lost. Their head coach (*googles*) Mike Budenholzer seems to be trying to get fired mid-series, the Greek Freak looks as stiff as the Venus de Milo, and no one on the floor seems capable of defending anyone. Like a lot of other people, I wanted to see the Nets lose, but now I’m just begging for them to end this misery and sweep these poseurs the flock out.

Bruins/Islanders. Quite the opposite of the Nets/Bucks series is the hockey tilt between the Bruins and Islanders. As MTM’s preeminent hockey knower, I see this thing going the full 7 and the Bruins losing the final game at home… but only if Tuukka Rask comes back and plays. I sense he is the key to the Bruins losing. I base this entirely on the fact that our own CheesyBruin doesn’t exactly love the guy and that B’s fans chant “Tuuk!” whenever he makes a save. That kinda stuff is mostly reserved for white guy scrubs, like former Packers fullback John Kuhn. Yessir, the Fish Sticks need Tuukka back between the pipes. One other thing, Brad Marchand? That douche can play. Still, he’s a douche with like a douchey Mark Teixeira face on steroids. Also, is David Pastrnak injured? He seems off. Let’s move on.

The Spinners. I wish this section was about the guys who sang “Rubberband Man,” among other classics, but it’s not. So, since no one can hit anymore, Major League Baseball has decided to crack down on pitchers (according to Sports Illustrated, pretty much everyone) doctoring baseballs with sticky substances to increase spin rate. Um, okay, I guess. Josh Donaldson of the Twins pretty much accused Gerrit Cole of doing this, some anonymous person on Twitter accused Jacob deGrom, and I’m accusing the entire Seattle Mariners pitching staff of not doing enough of this. Anyway, MLB umps may be due a pay bump if part of their new job description is frisking humid hurlers for gluey gloves and other surreptitious stickum. You know what? I’m gonna go ahead and get The Spinners in here anyway. Enjoy!

Come back tomorrow for Supertramp superfan, Buddy Diaz.

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About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.