NEW YORK, NY – It’s already December 15 so, let me just say for everyone, holy f**king sh!t! I thought time was only supposed to fly when you’re having fun. I mean, I keep waiting for Clarence to bring George Bailey back so we can all stop living in this hellish alternate universe. Speaking of classic Christmas movies, which ones most resemble your favorite sports team? (*Totally nailed the landing on that segue.) Let’s find out, shall we?
Love Actually. In this movie men sleep with their brother’s wife, fall in love with their best friend’s wife, propose marriage to their Portuguese housekeeper, cheat on their wife with a slutty office assistant, and meet the girl of their dreams as a stand-in on a porn shoot… among other fun Christmasy scenarios. Sounds like the Washington Football Team to me. Who cares about winning? From the top on down, it’s all about being a rich white Dude and getting away with it.
Home Alone. No team, maybe in the history of sports, can do justice to Kevin McAllister’s complete abandonment quite like the Miami Marlins. Like Kevin, they may just resort to filling the stands with cardboard cutouts until their two clueless fans show up.
Die Hard. Yes, of course it’s a Christmas movie. But, don’t let the title fool you. This isn’t something I can easily assign to a team like my Minnesota Vikings, because John McClane actually walks away from his disaster. The New York Yankees nuked a perfectly great “old” Yankee Stadium like it was Nakatomi Plaza… and their fans loved them for it. Like Hans Gruber, George Steinbrenner is long gone. And, so far this winter, Brian Cashman’s negotiation tactics have been as about effective as Ellis’, and I’m not talking Doc or Valentine.
Bad Santa. Everything about this film screams the New York Jets. Trust me on this, if you’re on the outside looking in, the Jets are the most entertaining type of car wreck. Their fans are as oblivious and sandwich-obsessed as a stadium full of Thurman Mermans and every season is like one long atomic wedgie.
Miracle on 34th Street. Sorry, NY Knicks fans. It just ain’t happening.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I used to look at this movie as a very funny holiday comedy. Now I see it for what it really is: a harrowing family drama. All the wrong people show up and everything goes completely sideways and you just hope the house doesn’t burn down. The Arizona Coyotes have 5 wins, 20 losses, and were thisclose to being evicted a week ago. Their situation would make Clark Griswold feel a whole lot better about his own.
and, just to come full circle…
It’s a Wonderful Life. Kyrie Irving has been granted that rare opportunity to see what life would be like for the Brooklyn Nets without him around. Apparently, it’s been quite wonderful. They’re in first place. Meanwhile, he’s still making millions for doing nothing, so this movie could be running for a while. Enjoy!
Hate to be a Grinch, but that’s all for today. Heading off to the shop around the corner to look for that Red Ryder BB gun. Come back tomorrow for MTM’s Bipolar Express, Buddy Diaz.